Platform: Xbox, Dreamcast (Review based on Xbox version. The DC one isn’t available here, anyway.)
It’s rare for a game to create a new genre. In fact, such is the cause for great celebration and the precursor to a millennium of peace and prosperity. Does Shenmue II do this? Hell no, but it certainly thinks it does. Director Yu Suzuki called the original Shenmue a “FREE" (Full Reactive Eyes Entertainment) game, whatever that means. In actuality, it’s just an adventure game with a fancy title. Well, let’s get this shitfest on the road.
You play as Ryo Hazuki, who is some punk kid out for revenge on the guy who whacked his dad. Alright, that’s sorta cliché, but I can live with it. Apparently, you’ve followed the killer’s trail to
“Alright, fuck this,” I said before pressing “start”. I was hoping for the main menu, but what I got instead was the control scheme. Umm . . . thanks? I kinda thought that’s what the manual was for. Regardless, once I got to the settings menu, I found that the outlook was still bleak. Under “language”, I was faced with a wide variety of options ranging from “game mode” to “cinema mode” to “Shenmue mode” to “ragtime theater mode” to “Initial D fucking remix mode”. Those names aren’t very descriptive, are they (well, except for the last two)? The description box next to each one didn’t help either. For instance, next to the “Shenmue mode” option is a blurb of text that says “Play the game in Shenmue mode”. No way. No fucking way. And here I thought that’d change the language to Mandarin Chinese. The worst part is that there’s no god damn difference between any of them! All I found was that the Shenmue mode just removes the subtitles while keeping the broken English. “Big deal,” I bet you’re thinking, “It’s just one voice actor. Not every game can be Oblivion.” Unfortunately, every voice is equally shitty! They certainly have variety down, but that’s like having sixty types of steaming shit to pick from as the sauce for your rice. No thanks, I’ll just play with the TV muted.
Maybe the alternate control schemes offer a silver lining? No dice. The only other option makes the default movement running, but I quickly found that the slightest touch sent me flying into a corner or into a pedestrian, at which point I ricocheted off them. Mournfully switching back to the normal controls, I prepared my hands for an agonizing ordeal.
Back to the game itself, it essentially amounts to a glorified version of hide and seek. You’re always looking for someone and when you find them, they tell you to find someone else . . . for 10+ hours. It isn’t as bad as I just made it sound, but wandering around the winding streets talking to NPC’s in hopes that one actually knows where you need to go gets old quickly. Every now and then, the game decides to spice things up by making you work a dayjob airing out books or lifting boxes. If you’re the daring type, you can also arm wrestle with sweaty Mexican dock workers. No, seriously. When things get serious, though, Shenmue II has two more tricks up its sleeve. The first of these is the QTE, or quick-time event. These are sequences in which random button inputs flash on the screen and you have to react without a single mistake. Hell, there were times when I got penalized even when I did press the right commands. The worst part is that while you can sometimes repeat the QTE immediately, there are times when you get sent waaaaaaaay back to repeat some stupid cutscene (which are unskippable, by the way) or perhaps even forced to continue the day after failing, wasting precious time.
Other times, you get fighting game sequences where you beat the crap out of random thugs. Before I go on, it’s important to note that the team that made Shenmue II, Sega-AM2, is the same group that made Virtua Fighter. Riddle me this, then: why does the combat in Shenmue suck huge, sweaty ox balls? Almost every fight involves getting ganked by 3 or more gangsters unless you spam the a and b buttons like a madman. The directional pad is unresponsive and makes precise inputs impossible, Ryo often ends up facing the wrong way after a combo, and enemies regain health when they hit you. To top it off, near the endgame, you have to hunt down and fight three pros. Unfortunately, it’s impossible! Hell, this is one of the few times where I actually quit a game in frustration. First of all, you have to pay a thousand bucks to fight the first one in a game where you’re lucky to have more than 100. Secondly, he fucking thrashes you no matter what you do. When you actually circle around his attacks, either Ryo’s facing the wrong way or the d-pad fails to register your move at which point he turns right back around and whoops your sorry ass. The part that pissed me off the most was his victory pose. He takes a bodybuilder’s stance and the camera zooms into his face, which makes him look like he’s got some mad constipation. I can only see that god damn face so many times before I start hurling the controller. In fact, I’d say this is the first game in which the controller ever left my hand for any reason other than turning off the system.
Despite all this, Shenmue II has a tiny sparkle of charm with its massive environments and plentiful mini games. Unfortunately, there are no true side quests, leaving the game extremely linear despite its vast territory. As a result, you’ll often find yourself lost with nary an optional path. Even then, I would have been a bit more forgiving if it weren’t for the absolutely abominable voice acting and controls. Hell, I would have at least finished the damn game if they had just made the control stick the default means of movement. Sega had a diamond with this game, but instead of polishing it, they shat on it before throwing it into the sewer. What a fucking waste.
Overall: 2/5
PS: Sorry for the formatting inconsistencies. Blogger just seems to hate me.
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