Showing posts with label Maniacal Machinations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maniacal Machinations. Show all posts
Monday, June 16, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Words of Wisdom 2
"Pepper spray? That sounds delicious! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I was wrong! I was horribly wrong!"
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: New Game +
It seems like a common feature in modern games is the New Game +. For those of you who aren't familiar with the term, a New Game + is essentially when you start a new game except with most of your stats and items. This by itself is pretty cool. It gives the game some replay value and is convenient for people who want to experience the game again. However, where there's a New Game Plus, there's also usually bullshit.
I'd like to offer Disgaea 2 as an example. Most of the enemies there cap out around level 500 in normal play. So what happens when you throw a level 4000 enemy in there? That's where New Game Plus comes in. Hell, why not add some exclusive NG+ content too?
Herein lies the problem. What if I don't want to play the fucking game all over again? Is being able to accomplish everything on one playthrough too much to ask? Regardless of how much I like a game, it gets old eventually. If it's a game I only liked a bit, then that's even worse. At this point, you have to take other factors into account like the occasional unskippable cutscene. In a worst case scenario, imagine playing Xenosaga all the way through twice without being able to skip the movies. Seeing as you spend more than half of the game watching cutscenes, that wouldn't be too fun.
So what's the lesson to be learned? I should either be able to do it in one shot or not at all.
I'd like to offer Disgaea 2 as an example. Most of the enemies there cap out around level 500 in normal play. So what happens when you throw a level 4000 enemy in there? That's where New Game Plus comes in. Hell, why not add some exclusive NG+ content too?
Herein lies the problem. What if I don't want to play the fucking game all over again? Is being able to accomplish everything on one playthrough too much to ask? Regardless of how much I like a game, it gets old eventually. If it's a game I only liked a bit, then that's even worse. At this point, you have to take other factors into account like the occasional unskippable cutscene. In a worst case scenario, imagine playing Xenosaga all the way through twice without being able to skip the movies. Seeing as you spend more than half of the game watching cutscenes, that wouldn't be too fun.
So what's the lesson to be learned? I should either be able to do it in one shot or not at all.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Ding Dong The Witch is Dead
So apparently, after an ungodly long time, the abomination of a manga known as Inuyasha is finally biting the dust. Looks like Rumiko Takahashi ran out of ways cockblock everyone's favorite awkward couple so they can finally move onto an awkward relationship, awkward sex, awkward marriage, and have awkward kids. As you can see, I care oh so much.
Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the ending amounts to "The manga ends here, but the story continues in the anime- Wait a minute . . . TIME PARADOX!"
I never really cared for Inuyasha, but I'll take great joy in knowing that fangirls around the world will be BAWWWWing themselves to sleep for the next year.
As Scott Ramsoomair once said, "It's freaking Dragonball Z for girls!"
Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the ending amounts to "The manga ends here, but the story continues in the anime- Wait a minute . . . TIME PARADOX!"
I never really cared for Inuyasha, but I'll take great joy in knowing that fangirls around the world will be BAWWWWing themselves to sleep for the next year.
As Scott Ramsoomair once said, "It's freaking Dragonball Z for girls!"
Monday, June 9, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Forum Signatures
What the hell is with people throwing every damn image in their photobucket into their sig? Oh, wait, it's not just pictures either. We can't forget really shitty poems.
You know that cool wallpaper that you found on 4chan? Why should you keep it to yourself when you can chuck that fucker onto your sig? Share the joy, right? Hell, no one's going to mind if your sig is longer than Ireland. Does your sig take ten minutes to load? That's perfectly normal. Maybe other people are interested in your "harem" of anime women. Throw that up too. Myspace? eBay page? Gamertag? Obligatory videogame quote? A link to Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series (which isn't that funny by the way)? Gaia page? Old geocities site? Sure, why not? Why not throw up your fucking autobiography while you're at it? There's nothing wrong with your sig being bigger than your god damn post.
Two inches max, folks. Two inches max.
You know that cool wallpaper that you found on 4chan? Why should you keep it to yourself when you can chuck that fucker onto your sig? Share the joy, right? Hell, no one's going to mind if your sig is longer than Ireland. Does your sig take ten minutes to load? That's perfectly normal. Maybe other people are interested in your "harem" of anime women. Throw that up too. Myspace? eBay page? Gamertag? Obligatory videogame quote? A link to Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series (which isn't that funny by the way)? Gaia page? Old geocities site? Sure, why not? Why not throw up your fucking autobiography while you're at it? There's nothing wrong with your sig being bigger than your god damn post.
Two inches max, folks. Two inches max.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Around the World Map #1
In my infinite boredom, I found myself staring at a world map and searching for strange city names. While it wasn't the most recent of maps (it had Zaire, for christ's sake), I'm betting most of these cities still exist:
Arsenic Tubs, Arizona
Why, Arizona
Medicine Hat, Canada
Hell, Norway
Fucking, Austria
Condom, France
Beaverlick, Kentucky
Hornyhead Mountain, North Carolina
Lawyersville, New York
Arsenic Tubs, Arizona
Why, Arizona
Medicine Hat, Canada
Hell, Norway
Fucking, Austria
Condom, France
Beaverlick, Kentucky
Hornyhead Mountain, North Carolina
Lawyersville, New York
Monday, June 2, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: At the Fair part 2
I'll skip the part where I went on the rides because those were damn fun for me and thus, will probably be rather boring for you.
On the verge of puking, I sought out a remedy. My options were caramel apples, crusty popcorn, or water from the duck pool. I took my chances and got an apple. While I was waiting in line, though, I heard the guy in front of me say, "I'll take one with nuts and one with plain." Strange, I never realized "plain" was a topping I had to request. Regardless, I began taking bites out of my apple (which is harder than you'd think considering how easy it is to get caramel all over yourself) while I made my way to the respectable vendors that pitched their tents just a few yards from the edge of the fair. I'm sorry, did I say respectable vendors? I meant flea market. Honestly, I've never seen so many people selling scented candles in my life. I guess bake sales are out of style or something.
Disgusted with the paltry selection, I went to the food vendors in hopes of experiencing a wide variety of delicacies from all the various cultures of the world. What I ended up getting was a cheeseburger and a Dr. Pepper. Don't get me wrong, it was a damn good cheeseburger.
Anyway, there was this band on stage that was playing Green Day's Basket Case. To my surprise, they were doing a much better job. Then again, it's not too hard to outdo Green Day, is it?
Well, that's it for my adventures at the fair, folks. This part didn't come out anywhere near as well as the first one, but at least I didn't just post an image macro . . .
On the verge of puking, I sought out a remedy. My options were caramel apples, crusty popcorn, or water from the duck pool. I took my chances and got an apple. While I was waiting in line, though, I heard the guy in front of me say, "I'll take one with nuts and one with plain." Strange, I never realized "plain" was a topping I had to request. Regardless, I began taking bites out of my apple (which is harder than you'd think considering how easy it is to get caramel all over yourself) while I made my way to the respectable vendors that pitched their tents just a few yards from the edge of the fair. I'm sorry, did I say respectable vendors? I meant flea market. Honestly, I've never seen so many people selling scented candles in my life. I guess bake sales are out of style or something.
Disgusted with the paltry selection, I went to the food vendors in hopes of experiencing a wide variety of delicacies from all the various cultures of the world. What I ended up getting was a cheeseburger and a Dr. Pepper. Don't get me wrong, it was a damn good cheeseburger.
Anyway, there was this band on stage that was playing Green Day's Basket Case. To my surprise, they were doing a much better job. Then again, it's not too hard to outdo Green Day, is it?
Well, that's it for my adventures at the fair, folks. This part didn't come out anywhere near as well as the first one, but at least I didn't just post an image macro . . .
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: At the Fair part 1
I went to a local fair yesterday. You know, the ones with those ripoff booth games and rides that look like they'd fall apart if I stared too hard at them. Yup, definitely a recipe for a good time.
I know they're ripoffs, but I'm a sucker for carnie games. Firstly, I hit the game where you have to roll a ball into a hole to move a mechanical horse to the finish line. It wasn't just one hole either. I had three holes of three different types to stick my balls in. The first set got my horse as far as a real horse would go if I gave it a shove. The second set . . . well, I never figured out how well those worked, though I'd assume that it'd make my horse move like sonic in a 3D game. Now, the third set of holes was serious fucking business. I'm talking 2D sonic here. That was my hypothesis, anyway. I never actually found out because while I was tempted to reach in and just dump the ball in the good hole, but the guy running the game was already looking at me since I was the only one there over the age of ten.
After recovering my shattered ego, I went to the whack-a-mole game (though it wasn't called that for reasons of copyright). Once again, I was faced with my nemesis: prepubescent children. I was pumped-up and ready to go. Hell, I'd have taken the game to town if it weren't for one thing: the five inch chord binding the hammer to the machine. It should go without saying that being bent over like a man taking it up the- I mean a fifteen year old trying to play Chopin on a Fisher-Price xylophone wasn't the ideal way to do it. I can only assume the chord was there to keep psychopaths like myself from throwing the hammer at the operator in frustration. Surprisingly enough, I managed to outdo my grade-school rivals and was able to claim a memento of my victory: a carnie prize. I had a choice between a dark green frog and a light green frog. Decisions, decisions . .
Next, I spotted a pair of target practice games. One involved using a BB handgun to shoot at novelty targets while the other involved throwing baseballs at milk cans. Recalling my previous experiences with baseballs (one of which involved me pegging a bystander), I opted for the gun. Turns out I wasn't much better with plastic firearms. Then again, the fact that the targets were about as big as the member of anyone reading this. Well, at least I didn't hit anyone this time.
Sulking past the deathtraps known as Ring Toss and Test Your Strength, I happened upon a balloon popping game. Having thrown many a sharp object in my time, I figured this was the perfect game for me. Alas, fortune was against me. 20 mph winds, lead-lined balloons, and darts about as sharp as the wit of a Newgrounds flash maker conspired to separate myself and the five-cent, mass-produced plush toys most likely made in China. Against all odds, I did hit enough balloons to get a prize, though. To my dismay, however, I was presented with a trio of abominations which included what I could only assume was supposed to be a dog with its face melted-off. I passed on the prizes.
Although I gave up on the carnie games at this point, I passed a booth with absolutely no signs, a pool filled with rubber ducks and balls, and a bin of inflatable giant hammers. Being the kind of person who likes to know the rules before playing a game, I poured my immense intellectual resources into figuring out what in bloody hell I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to catch a very specific ball? Was the net I'm using rigged to fall apart? Was this a race? Maybe-
"Just catch a duck."
"Huh?"
"All you have to do is catch a duck."
Thinking this too good to be true, I warily scooped up a large, blue duck.
"Yay, you won. Here's your hammer."
Only after taking a few steps away from the booth did I realize that the game was made for kindergartners and all I had to do was grab a damn duck. Lovely. Just lovely . . .
Come back next time for the second installment in this misadventure!
I know they're ripoffs, but I'm a sucker for carnie games. Firstly, I hit the game where you have to roll a ball into a hole to move a mechanical horse to the finish line. It wasn't just one hole either. I had three holes of three different types to stick my balls in. The first set got my horse as far as a real horse would go if I gave it a shove. The second set . . . well, I never figured out how well those worked, though I'd assume that it'd make my horse move like sonic in a 3D game. Now, the third set of holes was serious fucking business. I'm talking 2D sonic here. That was my hypothesis, anyway. I never actually found out because while I was tempted to reach in and just dump the ball in the good hole, but the guy running the game was already looking at me since I was the only one there over the age of ten.
After recovering my shattered ego, I went to the whack-a-mole game (though it wasn't called that for reasons of copyright). Once again, I was faced with my nemesis: prepubescent children. I was pumped-up and ready to go. Hell, I'd have taken the game to town if it weren't for one thing: the five inch chord binding the hammer to the machine. It should go without saying that being bent over like a man taking it up the- I mean a fifteen year old trying to play Chopin on a Fisher-Price xylophone wasn't the ideal way to do it. I can only assume the chord was there to keep psychopaths like myself from throwing the hammer at the operator in frustration. Surprisingly enough, I managed to outdo my grade-school rivals and was able to claim a memento of my victory: a carnie prize. I had a choice between a dark green frog and a light green frog. Decisions, decisions . .
Next, I spotted a pair of target practice games. One involved using a BB handgun to shoot at novelty targets while the other involved throwing baseballs at milk cans. Recalling my previous experiences with baseballs (one of which involved me pegging a bystander), I opted for the gun. Turns out I wasn't much better with plastic firearms. Then again, the fact that the targets were about as big as the member of anyone reading this. Well, at least I didn't hit anyone this time.
Sulking past the deathtraps known as Ring Toss and Test Your Strength, I happened upon a balloon popping game. Having thrown many a sharp object in my time, I figured this was the perfect game for me. Alas, fortune was against me. 20 mph winds, lead-lined balloons, and darts about as sharp as the wit of a Newgrounds flash maker conspired to separate myself and the five-cent, mass-produced plush toys most likely made in China. Against all odds, I did hit enough balloons to get a prize, though. To my dismay, however, I was presented with a trio of abominations which included what I could only assume was supposed to be a dog with its face melted-off. I passed on the prizes.
Although I gave up on the carnie games at this point, I passed a booth with absolutely no signs, a pool filled with rubber ducks and balls, and a bin of inflatable giant hammers. Being the kind of person who likes to know the rules before playing a game, I poured my immense intellectual resources into figuring out what in bloody hell I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to catch a very specific ball? Was the net I'm using rigged to fall apart? Was this a race? Maybe-
"Just catch a duck."
"Huh?"
"All you have to do is catch a duck."
Thinking this too good to be true, I warily scooped up a large, blue duck.
"Yay, you won. Here's your hammer."
Only after taking a few steps away from the booth did I realize that the game was made for kindergartners and all I had to do was grab a damn duck. Lovely. Just lovely . . .
Come back next time for the second installment in this misadventure!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Stop Quoting Portal!
I'd have thought this goes without saying, but people really need to stop saying, "The Cake is a Lie!" No, seriously. Once in a blue moon, something awesome like Portal comes along and what do people do? They quote it to death. STOP IT!
Quote-spamming something hyperpopular like Portal is good for a month tops. However, most people can't seem to get that through their heads. It stops being funny. Yes, I know the cake is a fucking lie, I know about the fucking Cube, and I know that you're still alive . . . still alive . . .still alive. Hell, stuff like this isn't even quoted with any cleverness half of the time. For example:
"Hey, guys, I went to that Chinese restaurant that just opened across the street."
"How was it?"
"I was alright, but there's one problem."
"What's that?"
"The cake is a lie!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, right?
Right?
No. Damn you and your non-sequiturs to hell. It's not just Portal either. Is it too much to ask for a day where I don't have to hear, "If any of you are aliens, time-travelers, or espers, please come see me. That is all!"?
Honestly, spewing out Portal quotes with no context whatsoever is like digging up the corpse of your best friend's grandmother, repeatedly having your way with it, throwing it in a wood chipper, and then writing about it on your blog. Thank you, Internet, you killed Portal. This is why we can't have nice things.
Quote-spamming something hyperpopular like Portal is good for a month tops. However, most people can't seem to get that through their heads. It stops being funny. Yes, I know the cake is a fucking lie, I know about the fucking Cube, and I know that you're still alive . . . still alive . . .still alive. Hell, stuff like this isn't even quoted with any cleverness half of the time. For example:
"Hey, guys, I went to that Chinese restaurant that just opened across the street."
"How was it?"
"I was alright, but there's one problem."
"What's that?"
"The cake is a lie!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, right?
Right?
No. Damn you and your non-sequiturs to hell. It's not just Portal either. Is it too much to ask for a day where I don't have to hear, "If any of you are aliens, time-travelers, or espers, please come see me. That is all!"?
Honestly, spewing out Portal quotes with no context whatsoever is like digging up the corpse of your best friend's grandmother, repeatedly having your way with it, throwing it in a wood chipper, and then writing about it on your blog. Thank you, Internet, you killed Portal. This is why we can't have nice things.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Famous Last Words
"Wait a minute . . ." - Pope Alexander VI
"Am I dying, or is this my birthday?" - Lady Nancy Astor (seeing her family at her bedside)
"Maybe they only had one rocket" - A soldier in WW2 just after his bunker was hit by a rocket. A second volley came soon enough.
"Who is it? Who is it?" - Billy the Kid
"I live!" - Caligula
"I'm bored with it all." - Winston Churchill
"But how the devil do you think this could harm me?." - Denis Diderot
"Dammit…Don't you dare ask God to help me." - Joan Crawford
"Now why did I do that?" - General William Erskine after jumping out of a window
"I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring." - Richard Feynman
"No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die." - Crawford Goldsby after being asked if he had anything to say before being hanged
"Don't worry…it's not loaded…" - Terry Kath
"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!" - Karl Marx after being asked what his last words were
"Don't make a mess of it - shoot straight, you bastards." - Harry Morant
"This isn't Hamlet, you know. It's not meant to go into the bloody ear." - Laurence Oliver (his nurse was trying to moisten his lips but missed)
"Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling around!" - Carl Panzram
"I can't believe, after all this time, it was a bloody banana that killed me." - Ivanka Perko
"I'd like to be in hell in time for dinner." - Edward H. Ruloff
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist…" - General John Sedgwick
"Why, yes, a bulletproof vest." - Domonic Willard (just before his execution by firing squad when he was asked if he had any last requests)
"Oh, what's the bloody point?" - Kenneth Williams (final journal entry)
On a different note, to quote Paltir, "What're the last words you'll hear from a redneck? 'Watch this.'"
"Am I dying, or is this my birthday?" - Lady Nancy Astor (seeing her family at her bedside)
"Maybe they only had one rocket" - A soldier in WW2 just after his bunker was hit by a rocket. A second volley came soon enough.
"Who is it? Who is it?" - Billy the Kid
"I live!" - Caligula
"I'm bored with it all." - Winston Churchill
"But how the devil do you think this could harm me?." - Denis Diderot
"Dammit…Don't you dare ask God to help me." - Joan Crawford
"Now why did I do that?" - General William Erskine after jumping out of a window
"I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring." - Richard Feynman
"No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die." - Crawford Goldsby after being asked if he had anything to say before being hanged
"Don't worry…it's not loaded…" - Terry Kath
"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!" - Karl Marx after being asked what his last words were
"Don't make a mess of it - shoot straight, you bastards." - Harry Morant
"This isn't Hamlet, you know. It's not meant to go into the bloody ear." - Laurence Oliver (his nurse was trying to moisten his lips but missed)
"Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling around!" - Carl Panzram
"I can't believe, after all this time, it was a bloody banana that killed me." - Ivanka Perko
"I'd like to be in hell in time for dinner." - Edward H. Ruloff
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist…" - General John Sedgwick
"Why, yes, a bulletproof vest." - Domonic Willard (just before his execution by firing squad when he was asked if he had any last requests)
"Oh, what's the bloody point?" - Kenneth Williams (final journal entry)
On a different note, to quote Paltir, "What're the last words you'll hear from a redneck? 'Watch this.'"
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Quotes on England
I was reading the Wikipedia article on England when I came across the Wikiquote link. What I found was more than just a bit amusing:
"England... is a nation of shopkeepers" - Napoleon
"Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot water bottles" - George Mikes
"On the Continent, people have good food; in England, people have good table manners." - George Mikes
"An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one." - George Mikes
"England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than sex." - Jackie Mason
"We do not regard Englishmen as foreigners. We look on them only as rather mad Norwegians." - Halvard Lange
"Not to be English was for my family so terrible a handicap as almost to place the sufferer in the permanent invalid class." - Osbert Lancaster
"In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce." - Francesco Caracciolo
"I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world." - Malcolm Bradbury
"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it." - James Agate
"England... is a nation of shopkeepers" - Napoleon
"Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot water bottles" - George Mikes
"On the Continent, people have good food; in England, people have good table manners." - George Mikes
"An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one." - George Mikes
"England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than sex." - Jackie Mason
"We do not regard Englishmen as foreigners. We look on them only as rather mad Norwegians." - Halvard Lange
"Not to be English was for my family so terrible a handicap as almost to place the sufferer in the permanent invalid class." - Osbert Lancaster
"In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce." - Francesco Caracciolo
"I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world." - Malcolm Bradbury
"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it." - James Agate
Maniacal Machinations: Words of Wisdom
Abraham Lincoln once described one of his generals as being able to "snatch defeat from the jaws of victory".
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Masterpiece Theater
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jill pulled out a big black dildo and gave ol' Jack some lovin'.
Jill pulled out a big black dildo and gave ol' Jack some lovin'.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Hard and Fruity
I got some candy today. It was called "Now and Later" and it had an interesting slogan: "Hard 'n Fruity Now, Soft 'n Chewy later".
I'll leave the rest to your imagination. ~_^
I'll leave the rest to your imagination. ~_^
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Applause, Compliments, and Tips
I was at Coldstone today to grab some Lemon sorbet ice cream when I looked at the tip jar (which is a really weird thing to do since, being the asshole I am, I don't tip outside of restaurants) and saw this: "Applause, Compliments, and Tips appreciated."
What the fuck? Is this some sick joke on the employees?
If I worked at Coldstone, i'd want that jar to say "Tips, tips, and more tips appreciated". Applause is nice, but I think that extra buck would be nicer if I was making minimal wage.
What the fuck? Is this some sick joke on the employees?
If I worked at Coldstone, i'd want that jar to say "Tips, tips, and more tips appreciated". Applause is nice, but I think that extra buck would be nicer if I was making minimal wage.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: First Thing That Comes To Mind
The one thing you should never ask me isn't my age or the intricacies of my yaoi collection. It's those "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear _____?" questions.
Da problem isn't with da questions . . . it's with me.
For some reason, whenever I'm asked this type of question, the first thing is always Led Zeppelin. I have no idea why. Hell, I don't even listen to Led Zeppelin. I always have to say the second thing that comes to my head instead of the first thing. Otherwise, people look at me like i'm insane (well, any more than I already am ~_^).
Da problem isn't with da questions . . . it's with me.
For some reason, whenever I'm asked this type of question, the first thing is always Led Zeppelin. I have no idea why. Hell, I don't even listen to Led Zeppelin. I always have to say the second thing that comes to my head instead of the first thing. Otherwise, people look at me like i'm insane (well, any more than I already am ~_^).
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Maniacal Machinations: Useless Stuff In Guidebooks
Being the lazy perfectionist (weird combo, eh?) that I am, I bought a guidebook to Mass Effect so I wouldn't have to play it twenty times to get everything . . . Anyways, while I was flipping through, I noticed something: there's a lot of useless shit taking up space! This ain't the first time either. This seems to be a trend in guide books.
First comes the bestiary. It'd be one thing if it told me HOW to kill the damn monsters, but no. Instead, I get to see the fifty variations of the original five fucking monsters that the creators just recolored to make the other five billion. To top it off, I get to read all the painfully bad names they had to BS for the variants too. This ain't Pokemon, folks. I couldn't care less if Geth Troopers evolved into Metal King Slimes if all I have to do is kill them.
Next come item lists. I dunno about you, but seeing all the game's weapons lined up in neat columns with their stats next to them BORES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Weapon comparisons would be nice to have during the actual walkthrough, but sticking all of them alphabetically in some index does NOT help me at all!
Also, I can't help but wonder why guides stick the game controls in the front. I mean, if someone needs the guide to tell them how the controls work, they were obviously too lazy to read the damn manual. Is it too much to expect people to know that pressing up on the controller makes you move forward? Are my standards too rigorous for the common man? Is it too much to ask for people to know that "a" means yes and "b" means no? If not, then why the hell do we have this crap in guide books?!
After that comes the introduction. Why is it necessary to tell me something that I find out in the first ten minutes of the game? While i'm on the subject of plot summaries, guidebooks also tend to throw in all sorts of plot details and spell out every fucking thing that happens. Assuming that i'm only glancing to get through the harder parts of the game, all this fluff gets in my way! Are steps too much to ask for? Does everything need to be in a novel-ish format? I don't read games, damn it! I play them!
Character Profiles: Oh yes, I REALLY need to know how tall my characters are, their hobbies, and their genealogy. I REALLY give a flying fuck that what's his face likes a hot steaming bowl of shit for breakfast. Thanks for this oh so relevant info.
Useless menu descriptions: I think I know what "attack" means, thank you very much. No need for a paragraph defining it . . .
In short, just give what's necessary, god damn it!
First comes the bestiary. It'd be one thing if it told me HOW to kill the damn monsters, but no. Instead, I get to see the fifty variations of the original five fucking monsters that the creators just recolored to make the other five billion. To top it off, I get to read all the painfully bad names they had to BS for the variants too. This ain't Pokemon, folks. I couldn't care less if Geth Troopers evolved into Metal King Slimes if all I have to do is kill them.
Next come item lists. I dunno about you, but seeing all the game's weapons lined up in neat columns with their stats next to them BORES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Weapon comparisons would be nice to have during the actual walkthrough, but sticking all of them alphabetically in some index does NOT help me at all!
Also, I can't help but wonder why guides stick the game controls in the front. I mean, if someone needs the guide to tell them how the controls work, they were obviously too lazy to read the damn manual. Is it too much to expect people to know that pressing up on the controller makes you move forward? Are my standards too rigorous for the common man? Is it too much to ask for people to know that "a" means yes and "b" means no? If not, then why the hell do we have this crap in guide books?!
After that comes the introduction. Why is it necessary to tell me something that I find out in the first ten minutes of the game? While i'm on the subject of plot summaries, guidebooks also tend to throw in all sorts of plot details and spell out every fucking thing that happens. Assuming that i'm only glancing to get through the harder parts of the game, all this fluff gets in my way! Are steps too much to ask for? Does everything need to be in a novel-ish format? I don't read games, damn it! I play them!
Character Profiles: Oh yes, I REALLY need to know how tall my characters are, their hobbies, and their genealogy. I REALLY give a flying fuck that what's his face likes a hot steaming bowl of shit for breakfast. Thanks for this oh so relevant info.
Useless menu descriptions: I think I know what "attack" means, thank you very much. No need for a paragraph defining it . . .
In short, just give what's necessary, god damn it!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Maniacal Machinations: Character Creation
I finally decided to title my Maniacal Machinations instead of just sticking dates on 'em. Yay progress!
Anyway, I was playing Mass Effect (which is why my posts are so infrequent this week) when I realized something: in-game character creation is a huge bitch!
This ain't the first time either. Anyone remember Oblivion?
For one, half of the options don't do jack and have no noticeable impact. On top of that, once I got my character to stop looking like they had a horrific accident and facial reconstruction didn't go so well, guess what? Once I started playing, I found out that it did, in fact, still look like someone who had their face slammed into the pavement and rubbed around. Turns out the character-creation perspective and in-game perspective don't quite match up.
Every time the game goes into a cutscene, I cringe . . .
Anyway, I was playing Mass Effect (which is why my posts are so infrequent this week) when I realized something: in-game character creation is a huge bitch!
This ain't the first time either. Anyone remember Oblivion?
For one, half of the options don't do jack and have no noticeable impact. On top of that, once I got my character to stop looking like they had a horrific accident and facial reconstruction didn't go so well, guess what? Once I started playing, I found out that it did, in fact, still look like someone who had their face slammed into the pavement and rubbed around. Turns out the character-creation perspective and in-game perspective don't quite match up.
Every time the game goes into a cutscene, I cringe . . .
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Maniacal Machinations 12/22/07
While some people like to euthanize their gingerbread men quickly, I prefer more . . . "creative" means.
The first of these methods is to snap that sucker in half and devour 'im piece by piece. This loses its fun kinda quickly.
My favorite way is to devour it limb by limb, starting with the legs, then the arms, and after admiring my work for a minute, make my way up the body and finish with the head. Ah, good times.
The first of these methods is to snap that sucker in half and devour 'im piece by piece. This loses its fun kinda quickly.
My favorite way is to devour it limb by limb, starting with the legs, then the arms, and after admiring my work for a minute, make my way up the body and finish with the head. Ah, good times.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Maniacal Machinations 12/16/07
So my brother was telling be about his friend's silenced speargun . . .
Yes, a silenced speargun. Now, it's one thing to silence a pistol, but a speargun?
WHY?!
I don't know about you, but when I want to kill someone discreetly (not that i'd want to <_< ), "speargun" isn't the first word that comes to mind. I mean, you'd have to be like five feet away from someone to kill them with that! And even if you kill them, what are you gonna do next, hide the gun in your coat? If you have a coat big enough to hide a speargun, ya might as well just bring a sniper rifle.
Even if ya limit its use to fishing, I don't think the sound of something discharging is gonna scare the fish as much as A FUCKING SPEAR ENTERING THE WATER!
Yes, a silenced speargun. Now, it's one thing to silence a pistol, but a speargun?
WHY?!
I don't know about you, but when I want to kill someone discreetly (not that i'd want to <_< ), "speargun" isn't the first word that comes to mind. I mean, you'd have to be like five feet away from someone to kill them with that! And even if you kill them, what are you gonna do next, hide the gun in your coat? If you have a coat big enough to hide a speargun, ya might as well just bring a sniper rifle.
Even if ya limit its use to fishing, I don't think the sound of something discharging is gonna scare the fish as much as A FUCKING SPEAR ENTERING THE WATER!
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