Saturday, August 23, 2008

Youtube and I: Go For the Gold at the Beijing Olympics!

Warning: Contains spoilers for a certain show and a certain book.

AWESOME leeroy jenkins remix!!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Infernal Images: XXX-Ray

Hot damn, I want one of these.
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PS: I just realized I've been spelling "weird" wrong this entire time. Yeah . . . I'll get on that.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zur Macht Review

Platform: PS2


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I'm aware that this picture's from Xenosaga 3, but what makes you think this series will survive past the first review?

Normally, I would do some research to make sure my facts match up before I do a review. However, that wouldn’t do the sheer absurdity of Xenosaga’s plot any justice. Thus, everything I say is going to be from memory. Sound like fun? No? Too bad, let’s go.

Right off the bat, you’re “treated” to a cutscene of an archeologist finding a huuuuuuuuge stone tablet. “Treated” is in quotes because the movie clocks in at ten minutes, or at least it felt that long. Anyway, once that’s over, it cuts to the distant future where you’re introduced to the heroine of this story, Shion. She’s a sexy scientist, glasses girl, usually clueless, blah, blah, blah. Nothing special aside from the fact that her weapon is a gigantic taser claw. Oh, did I mention that she made a killer android called KOS-MOS that wields weapons completely practical for futuristic combat such as swords and scythes in addition to gatling guns and a gigantic chest laser. Nope, nothing unusual at all. Otherwise, the cast isn’t anything special aside from some kid who thinks he’s Vash the Stampede, who appears later. Regardless, on the same ship Shion’s on is an “emulator” of the big-ass stone tablet from the opening movie. Unfortunately, the emulator attracts space whale salt monsters called Gnosis, who are impervious to just about everything . . . everything except KOS-MOS, of course. Before you can get to killing, however, you have to navigate Shion around the various parts of the ship while avoiding the Gnosis, who are brutally disemboweling your cute, anime-faced fellow soldiers.

Soon enough, you rally a posse including KOS-MOS and a psychotic officer who’s a robo-racist or something in his spare time. You don’t have to deal with him long, though. Just as you reach the escape pods, he picks a fight with a Gnosis and does this by jumping around like a moron while going full-auto with his assault rifle. Unfortunately for him, his tomfoolery interferes with KOS-MOS’ aim and prompts her to shoot through him to hit the Gnosis. Thus, for his newbish behavior, he gets perma-banned from the server of life. This is only the first in a long line of lessons as to why you shouldn’t fuck with androids. I’ll stop relating the plot here because, frankly, I don’t know what the hell happened after that. Words went into my ears, but none of it made sense. Entire cutscenes were dedicated to people talking about stuff like the “Hilbert Effect”, the “Song of Nephilim”, the “Zohar”, and so on and so forth. At this point, I really didn’t give a flying fuck. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease just let me kill something!

While my wish was granted, combat was a whole ‘nother beast. Sure, it seems like simple turn-based fighting at first, but once you try to attack, you have shit like button combos, combo strings, robots, ether, and items. Hold on, items? Yes, even using items is an arduous ordeal. Xenosaga is the very image of the bureaucratic process. Pressing a button as simple and self-explanatory as “attack” unleashes a torrent of sub-menus, each of which unleashes another deluge of options. Jesus Christ, all I want to do is shank some space whales. Is that too much to ask for? Oh, and don’t even ask about the pause menu, I had an easier time learning multi-variable calculus than I had trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do in it.

Xenosaga can be compared to the Hydra of ancient Greek mythology. Once you cut off the head of unbearable cutscenes, two more appear: convoluted menus and slow-ass combat. If you somehow manage to ignore those, you notice the next layer of problems and things keep escalating until you finally throw your controller through a window, rip the disk out of the PS2, and devour it in hopes that the pain of disk shards mutilating your throat will serve as penance for your crimes against all that is holy. Speaking of which, did I mention that KOS-MOS is the vessel for the spirit of Mary Magdalene? That’s right, I just spoiled the shit out of the remaining games. “But wait, One Sin, aren’t you going to review those eventually?”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

Besides, that doesn’t even make any sense (I’m being perfectly serious, though). It’s like you need a wiki to figure all this out. Which reminds me, did you know that Xenosaga has its own wiki? “Big deal,” I bet you’re thinking. Sure, everything from Code Geass to Devil May Cry to Rosie O’Donnell has its own wiki, but Xenosaga actually needs one. Maybe you could read it to find out why Mary Magdalene is pumping space whales full of lead and has a black hole in her chest . . .

If you have a lot of spare time . . .

And have no life . . .

Or you actually like this shit . . .

Loser.

Rating: 1/5

Monday, August 18, 2008

Youtube and I: Bump of Chicken

The name's really stupid, but damn, this shit is sad.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Infernal Images: Zero?!

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Damn you, otaku scum! I'll never forgive- Wait, what?! This is official?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Youtube and I: DJ Anonymous

He's got more here, but I picked some of the better ones to show you here.

JAY-Z VS eufonius:


Ciara VS Mikuru:


Pharrell VS Round Table:

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Shenmue II Review

Platform: Xbox, Dreamcast (Review based on Xbox version. The DC one isn’t available here, anyway.)

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It’s rare for a game to create a new genre. In fact, such is the cause for great celebration and the precursor to a millennium of peace and prosperity. Does Shenmue II do this? Hell no, but it certainly thinks it does. Director Yu Suzuki called the original Shenmue a “FREE" (Full Reactive Eyes Entertainment) game, whatever that means. In actuality, it’s just an adventure game with a fancy title. Well, let’s get this shitfest on the road.

You play as Ryo Hazuki, who is some punk kid out for revenge on the guy who whacked his dad. Alright, that’s sorta cliché, but I can live with it. Apparently, you’ve followed the killer’s trail to Hong Kong and the game starts with you getting off a boat and looking around the harbor. Okay, it’s time to get moving. I pressed the analog stick forward, and much to my surprise, instead of moving Ryo forward, this slammed the camera face first into the ground. Fine, then, directional pad it is. Oh, wait. The game still controls like ass. Crawling forward inch by inch, I triggered the game’s first cutscene. At first, it looked alright. It was about some old dude playing a mandolin. The problem came when said old dude opened his mouth. The “English” that came forth wasn’t quite engrish, but was so uninspired and awkward that I thought I had the language setting on “retard”.

“Alright, fuck this,” I said before pressing “start”. I was hoping for the main menu, but what I got instead was the control scheme. Umm . . . thanks? I kinda thought that’s what the manual was for. Regardless, once I got to the settings menu, I found that the outlook was still bleak. Under “language”, I was faced with a wide variety of options ranging from “game mode” to “cinema mode” to “Shenmue mode” to “ragtime theater mode” to “Initial D fucking remix mode”. Those names aren’t very descriptive, are they (well, except for the last two)? The description box next to each one didn’t help either. For instance, next to the “Shenmue mode” option is a blurb of text that says “Play the game in Shenmue mode”. No way. No fucking way. And here I thought that’d change the language to Mandarin Chinese. The worst part is that there’s no god damn difference between any of them! All I found was that the Shenmue mode just removes the subtitles while keeping the broken English. “Big deal,” I bet you’re thinking, “It’s just one voice actor. Not every game can be Oblivion.” Unfortunately, every voice is equally shitty! They certainly have variety down, but that’s like having sixty types of steaming shit to pick from as the sauce for your rice. No thanks, I’ll just play with the TV muted.

Maybe the alternate control schemes offer a silver lining? No dice. The only other option makes the default movement running, but I quickly found that the slightest touch sent me flying into a corner or into a pedestrian, at which point I ricocheted off them. Mournfully switching back to the normal controls, I prepared my hands for an agonizing ordeal.

Back to the game itself, it essentially amounts to a glorified version of hide and seek. You’re always looking for someone and when you find them, they tell you to find someone else . . . for 10+ hours. It isn’t as bad as I just made it sound, but wandering around the winding streets talking to NPC’s in hopes that one actually knows where you need to go gets old quickly. Every now and then, the game decides to spice things up by making you work a dayjob airing out books or lifting boxes. If you’re the daring type, you can also arm wrestle with sweaty Mexican dock workers. No, seriously. When things get serious, though, Shenmue II has two more tricks up its sleeve. The first of these is the QTE, or quick-time event. These are sequences in which random button inputs flash on the screen and you have to react without a single mistake. Hell, there were times when I got penalized even when I did press the right commands. The worst part is that while you can sometimes repeat the QTE immediately, there are times when you get sent waaaaaaaay back to repeat some stupid cutscene (which are unskippable, by the way) or perhaps even forced to continue the day after failing, wasting precious time.

Other times, you get fighting game sequences where you beat the crap out of random thugs. Before I go on, it’s important to note that the team that made Shenmue II, Sega-AM2, is the same group that made Virtua Fighter. Riddle me this, then: why does the combat in Shenmue suck huge, sweaty ox balls? Almost every fight involves getting ganked by 3 or more gangsters unless you spam the a and b buttons like a madman. The directional pad is unresponsive and makes precise inputs impossible, Ryo often ends up facing the wrong way after a combo, and enemies regain health when they hit you. To top it off, near the endgame, you have to hunt down and fight three pros. Unfortunately, it’s impossible! Hell, this is one of the few times where I actually quit a game in frustration. First of all, you have to pay a thousand bucks to fight the first one in a game where you’re lucky to have more than 100. Secondly, he fucking thrashes you no matter what you do. When you actually circle around his attacks, either Ryo’s facing the wrong way or the d-pad fails to register your move at which point he turns right back around and whoops your sorry ass. The part that pissed me off the most was his victory pose. He takes a bodybuilder’s stance and the camera zooms into his face, which makes him look like he’s got some mad constipation. I can only see that god damn face so many times before I start hurling the controller. In fact, I’d say this is the first game in which the controller ever left my hand for any reason other than turning off the system.

Despite all this, Shenmue II has a tiny sparkle of charm with its massive environments and plentiful mini games. Unfortunately, there are no true side quests, leaving the game extremely linear despite its vast territory. As a result, you’ll often find yourself lost with nary an optional path. Even then, I would have been a bit more forgiving if it weren’t for the absolutely abominable voice acting and controls. Hell, I would have at least finished the damn game if they had just made the control stick the default means of movement. Sega had a diamond with this game, but instead of polishing it, they shat on it before throwing it into the sewer. What a fucking waste.

Overall: 2/5


PS: Sorry for the formatting inconsistencies. Blogger just seems to hate me.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Youtube and I: Lucky Star OP at 1/2 Speed

It has a demonic feel to it.