Platform: PS2
I'm aware that this picture's from Xenosaga 3, but what makes you think this series will survive past the first review?
Normally, I would do some research to make sure my facts match up before I do a review. However, that wouldn’t do the sheer absurdity of Xenosaga’s plot any justice. Thus, everything I say is going to be from memory. Sound like fun? No? Too bad, let’s go.
Right off the bat, you’re “treated” to a cutscene of an archeologist finding a huuuuuuuuge stone tablet. “Treated” is in quotes because the movie clocks in at ten minutes, or at least it felt that long. Anyway, once that’s over, it cuts to the distant future where you’re introduced to the heroine of this story, Shion. She’s a sexy scientist, glasses girl, usually clueless, blah, blah, blah. Nothing special aside from the fact that her weapon is a gigantic taser claw. Oh, did I mention that she made a killer android called KOS-MOS that wields weapons completely practical for futuristic combat such as swords and scythes in addition to gatling guns and a gigantic chest laser. Nope, nothing unusual at all. Otherwise, the cast isn’t anything special aside from some kid who thinks he’s Vash the Stampede, who appears later. Regardless, on the same ship Shion’s on is an “emulator” of the big-ass stone tablet from the opening movie. Unfortunately, the emulator attracts space whale salt monsters called Gnosis, who are impervious to just about everything . . . everything except KOS-MOS, of course. Before you can get to killing, however, you have to navigate Shion around the various parts of the ship while avoiding the Gnosis, who are brutally disemboweling your cute, anime-faced fellow soldiers.
Soon enough, you rally a posse including KOS-MOS and a psychotic officer who’s a robo-racist or something in his spare time. You don’t have to deal with him long, though. Just as you reach the escape pods, he picks a fight with a Gnosis and does this by jumping around like a moron while going full-auto with his assault rifle. Unfortunately for him, his tomfoolery interferes with KOS-MOS’ aim and prompts her to shoot through him to hit the Gnosis. Thus, for his newbish behavior, he gets perma-banned from the server of life. This is only the first in a long line of lessons as to why you shouldn’t fuck with androids. I’ll stop relating the plot here because, frankly, I don’t know what the hell happened after that. Words went into my ears, but none of it made sense. Entire cutscenes were dedicated to people talking about stuff like the “Hilbert Effect”, the “Song of Nephilim”, the “Zohar”, and so on and so forth. At this point, I really didn’t give a flying fuck. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease just let me kill something!
While my wish was granted, combat was a whole ‘nother beast. Sure, it seems like simple turn-based fighting at first, but once you try to attack, you have shit like button combos, combo strings, robots, ether, and items. Hold on, items? Yes, even using items is an arduous ordeal. Xenosaga is the very image of the bureaucratic process. Pressing a button as simple and self-explanatory as “attack” unleashes a torrent of sub-menus, each of which unleashes another deluge of options. Jesus Christ, all I want to do is shank some space whales. Is that too much to ask for? Oh, and don’t even ask about the pause menu, I had an easier time learning multi-variable calculus than I had trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do in it.
Xenosaga can be compared to the Hydra of ancient Greek mythology. Once you cut off the head of unbearable cutscenes, two more appear: convoluted menus and slow-ass combat. If you somehow manage to ignore those, you notice the next layer of problems and things keep escalating until you finally throw your controller through a window, rip the disk out of the PS2, and devour it in hopes that the pain of disk shards mutilating your throat will serve as penance for your crimes against all that is holy. Speaking of which, did I mention that KOS-MOS is the vessel for the spirit of Mary Magdalene? That’s right, I just spoiled the shit out of the remaining games. “But wait, One Sin, aren’t you going to review those eventually?”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.
Besides, that doesn’t even make any sense (I’m being perfectly serious, though). It’s like you need a wiki to figure all this out. Which reminds me, did you know that Xenosaga has its own wiki? “Big deal,” I bet you’re thinking. Sure, everything from Code Geass to Devil May Cry to Rosie O’Donnell has its own wiki, but Xenosaga actually needs one. Maybe you could read it to find out why Mary Magdalene is pumping space whales full of lead and has a black hole in her chest . . .
If you have a lot of spare time . . .
And have no life . . .
Or you actually like this shit . . .
Loser.
Rating: 1/5
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