Soul Calibur IV Review

Platform: Xbox 360

A tale of souls and swords, eternally retold . . . with progressively skimpier outfits, heftier amounts of exposition, and cheesier commentary. You all remember Soul Calibur II (or Soul Calibur for you old school folks), right? Now those were some damn fun games. You also remember Soul Calibur III, right? Well, I do, and I have a bone to pick with that turd (though not today). Using these two games for comparison points, it’s safe to say that SC4 is more fun that getting raped with a jackhammer, but less fun than being on the other end of said jackhammer.

I certainly hope that an explanation of what a fighting game is would be unnecessarily to anyone reading this. Why did I just say that? I’m not sure, actually. It’s not like I’d explain it even if it was necessary. Regardless, I’ll at least say how Soul Calibur is different from other fighting games. Unlike in, say, Marvel vs. Capcom, you don’t jump around like a lunatic and press 30-something button combos to whip out a laser cannon the size of Belgium. Instead, you can encircle your opponent strictly on the horizontal plane, and your attacks actually take off portions of your opponent’s health bar in increments larger than nanometers. That said, like in most fighting games, button mashing will get you pretty far in Soul Calibur IV, so odds are that unless you spend weeks memorizing the move list instead of studying for your finals, the little 13 year-old shit spamming Kilik’s long-range attacks will have just as much of a chance of winning as you do.

Who’s Kilik, you ask? Well, answering that question would involve delving into the plot, something that I’d rather not do. Besides, it’s not that important. There are two swords: a good one made of crystal and wielded by a pretty boy knight and a bad one made of flesh with a giant eyeball in the middle that’s wielded by a crazy, demonic suit of living armor. Shit happens, people find excuses to get involved, and they proceed to beat the shit out of each other. There, are you satisfied? I’m not gonna go into detail on the characters because I frankly don’t give a damn about them, and neither should you.

The game throws the usual array of modes at you: story, arcade, online vs, and a special mode, among others. The throwaway special mode for this game is called the Tower of Lost Souls, but more on that later. The only thing special about the arcade mode is an inevitable battle against the Apprentice from that horrible Force Unleashed game. Regardless, he is one cheap motherfucker. Really now, there’s not much you can do when your opponent shoots lightning from his fingertips aside from rolling over and dying. On a different note, it seems as though the creators learned their lesson from Soul Calibur III and decided not to shoehorn in a stupid pseudo-RTS mode. Unfortunately, they took a page from Soul Calibur II’s Weapon Master mode instead, pitting you in combat against ridiculously powerful enemies with equally ridiculous conditions for unlocking shit, so if you want those cat ears, you’re gonna have to fight Nightmare on steroids.

My last paragraph was getting a bit long, so I’m going to make a new one even though there’s no big change in topic. If you’re a stickler about this sort of thing, you can suck my metaphorical balls. Moving on to SC4’s online mode, I can say that, at the very least, it works. To put it bluntly, I fucking hate the interface. It’s a bare-bones set of menus that offers very little in the way of details or options. You can search for a game automatically, which will almost always fail since the system looks around for roughly five seconds before it throws its hands up and claims there aren’t any open games. Well, a peak into manual matchmaking always proves that there are, in fact, many open games. Thus, you shouldn’t trust the computer because it tells filthy lies. Even more annoying is how the game deals with lag. Matches can only go as fast as the slowest player, so if you end up playing some kid in Uzbekistan on an AOL trial, it’s curtains for you. Therefore, I’d recommend playing online only if you plan to fight your friends or you’re one of those million or so bastards that want to show off that “totally original” Ichigo Kurosaki they made in character creation.

Speaking of which, character creation from Soul Calibur III makes a comeback, and there’s a fairly diverse selection of clothing, weapons, hairstyles, etc. Unfortunately, using this mode to create characters for the Tower of Lost Souls mode is an exercise in frustration and monotony. Each item has stats associated with it, including those that alter your damage, health, defense, and whatnot. The problem with trying to maximize your stats is twofold. For one, there’s no way to organize items by their attributes, forcing you to wade through the default list. Secondly, the game lags like hell every time you equip or unequip an item. A different problem stems from the fact that everything is really fucking expensive. Seriously, since when do cat ears cost 10,000 gold? God damn inflation. By the way, if you’re going to make a character, for Christ’s sake, don’t take Zasalamel’s style, slap on a bunch of black armor with skulls on it, and name your dude “Death”. It’s not cool, it’s gay. Really gay. Millions of Linkin Park-listening emo fucktarts had the same idea, and they’re not rockin’ either.

I know it’s been fun folks, but this long-overdue review must come to a close. Before that, however, I’d like to say one last thing: Soul Calibur IV isn’t a bad game by any stretch. At the same time, it is also supremely unrefined, which prevents it from reaching greatness. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to building a team of lizardmen dressed as the Village People.

Rating: 3/5

PS: Next up is Fable II. Hopefully, it’ll still be relevant by the time I finish the review.

Youtube and I: Big Bill Hell's

Mysterious Adventures in Fandom.

It has been a while internet, and it is good to be back. I have been thinking about anime, japan, and the fandom scene as a whole recently. It seems that there are a few types of fans out there that I have observed. The first type is the typical anime fan, the kind that, after one look, you cant tell there is at least a 50% chance they like anime. The kind of people that flaunt their hobby because it is fairly unique. This category also includes the Japanophiles and weaboos, who would gladly trade their white skin for yellow.

Next is the closet fan. We have all seen them, the people who look totally out of place at a con, or the people that see you reading manga and whisper to you that it is a good one once they have made sure no one is looking. Because us fans are weird right? They look like everyone else but feel the need to hide their interests in order to fit in.

Third, the group that I fit into. I like Anime, very few of my friends do, because I don't feel my friends need all the same hobbies as me. At the same time i do not hide that i like japan, and everything about it. I don't dedicate my life to it but i treat it as one of my favorite hobbies and interests. Hoping to one day go to Japan but not set all my goals toward that.

That may seem like a pretty shallow analysis of fans, and I am sure there are hundreds of sub-groups in there, but this is what I see.

What brought me to this train of thought was my recent trips to my high schools Japan Club, or as it really is "people who mainly just like anime" club. I see all of these types of people in there. It is actually kind of cool to see some closet fans talk to some super pumped up mega fans. It turns out that a lot of us knew each other but didn't even know we all liked anime. Anyways........ that is it i guess..

Crackdown Review

Platform: Xbox 360

Once upon a time, the cops screwed up so badly that gangsters managed to take over the world. The government then concentrated all its resources in a single city to prepare for a counterattack. As a part of this, they also began to make super soldiers. The sheer ridiculousness of this plot aside, you essentially play as a superpowered assassin. Don’t think of this as Assassin’s Creed, though, because this game forces you to be about as subtle as a howitzer. Then again, Creed wasn’t very good at that either.

The whole point of Crackdown is to kill all the leaders of the three gangs: Los Muertos (Mexicans), the Volk (Eastern Europeans), and the Shia Gen (Asians). While most of your victims make sense (they provide supplies, manpower, or information), some of them are just bizarre. For instance, one of the Los Muertos leaders supes up cars. Uhh . . . okay. That’s fucking dangerous. Luckily, these guys hide in very discreet places like oil rigs, the only skyscraper with a door, and the gym, so you don’t have to look long.

Control-wise, the commands are assigned to good positions, but the effects of pressing the buttons aren’t so sensible. For instance, pressing the melee attack button will make you kick, but you can’t control said kick for shit. Instead, you’ll probably miss by a mile, look like a ballerina in doing so, and either fall off a ledge to your horrible demise or get blown to smithereens by a grenade or four. Also, as the game progresses, you are able to jump higher and higher. Unfortunately, the controls lack sensitivity to the point that your choices are either to tap the jump button to hop like a morbidly obese ten year old playing basketball or to mash that fucker down and launch into orbit. Further complicating matters is the level design. As buildings get taller and taller, they become progressively more deformed, making them ridiculously difficult to climb. You’ll often find yourself slamming into an extended ledge or being stranded on the side of a building because the architect was on crack and decided to model it after one of Picasso’s faces,

Fortunately, there are ways to play such that you can avoid platforming. It’s called walking, and it’s a great way to get shot in Crackdown. Regardless, what you can’t avoid are gang showdowns. After you spend an hour or two pretending you’re Spiderman, you’ll probably stumble upon a gang hideout. At this point, your options are to either break down the front door and kill everything in sight or sneak in through the back door and kill everything in sight. Early on, this is simple enough since all you’re up against are a bunch of pea shooters and the occasional grenade. Things escalate, however, to the point that every schmuck with two hands touts 800 round machine guns, heat seekers, or cluster grenades. Combined with the fact that whenever you get blown up, you enter ragdoll physics mode and flop about helplessly for an eternity, you’ll often find yourself flying off rooftops while on fire and unable to do a damn thing about it. Hell, if you’re really unlucky, the enemies will chain heat seekers to juggle you in the air. Also, where the fuck is your backup? There’s a damn cop car on every street and the lazy bastards can’t stop by to lend you a hand?

On a quick note, one of the major features of the game is the ability to boost your skills. As the voiceover guy says, “Skills for kills, agent. Skills for kills.” I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that none of those s’s are z’s. For instance, as you kill more people with grenades, your explosives skill goes up, which makes your explosions a tad larger. When maxed out, you can annihilate entire intersections with a single rocket, which is pretty damn cool. On a less cool note, you can become a better driver by running enemies over. Yeah . . . good luck with that.

Let me get this out of the way: Crackdown is a damn fun game to fuck around in. To that end, all you have to do is download the Keys to the City pack to have access to a slew of cheats. When your car is invincible and goes 200+ mph, there’s no way you can’t have fun, unless you’re completely dull, in which case you can go play Too Human and tell yourself everything’s all right. All that aside, this is one frustrating son of a bitch to play seriously. Climbing poorly designed apartments and serving as little more than a volleyball for a bunch of trigger-happy gangsters to spike with rockets isn’t my idea of a fun time. Look elsewhere if you’re one of those obsessive perfectionist types that only live for plot and collectibles.

Rating: 3/5

Too Human Review

Platform: Xbox 360

Too Human is the story of mankind’s struggle to maintain its identity in a world where the cruel, unforgiving, endless winter and the constant threat of death drive many to abandon their humanity in favor of cybernetic enhancements to the point where they become more machine than man. It represents the ever-present dilemma humankind faces as technology becomes progressively more involved in every facet of our existence in the guise of a simple video game, and provides a deep and thoughtful commentary on the crossroads humanity finds itself at.

If you thought I was being serious in the last paragraph, you need a .45 caliber reality check. “The Misadventures of the Cyberpunk Norse Gods in Monotonous Combat Land” would be a far more apt title. You play as the futuristic super soldier version of the Norse god Baldur whom everyone has the hots for despite the fact that he’s one fugly bastard. Seriously, the dude’s bald and has glowing blue scars all over his face. Back to the matter at hand, he’s on a quest to . . . uh, kick ass. There’s supposed to be some backstory about Baldur’s murdered wife, Loki being a total dick, and a plot to destroy the world. I wasn’t really paying attention, and you’d have to pay me to give a rat’s ass about some typical soap opera story with cyberpunk embellishments.

Playing the actual game, I quickly realized that the only thing special about this game is its control scheme. The gameplay itself is the usual run-and-gun (or cut) action that’s been passed down from generation to generation and involves hacking away at “grunts” that all seem to have more life than you. I couldn’t tell because the damn game never showed me how much life the regular baddies have. This process might have been sped up if you either didn’t always knock them down or you could hit enemies while they’re on the ground, but neither of these things happens! Sure, this also means that they can’t cheap shot you while you’re down, but making that a one-way street with you being invincible while in agony after having your stomach slashed open would have easily solved the problem.

Before I get ahead of myself, I should say that your attacks in Too Human are controlled by the analog sticks (mostly the left one) instead of the buttons. At first glance, this would seem to spare your fingers from certain repetitive motions (and perhaps spare them for other repetitive motions unrelated to the game), but in reality, losing the precise movement and camera control functions of the two analog sticks deals a severe blow to the overall combat experience. For instance, you can’t just sit in one place and whack away at the oncoming hordes because the imprecise analog stick controls will easily let the baddies surround you and ravage you with their beastly appendages. Instead the instruction manual encourages “sliding”, which is where you target enemies far away from yourself after every attack in order to dash toward them and prevent a ganking situation. This, combined with the fact that you can’t hit the often downed enemies, makes combat a monotonous nightmare.

“What about the guns?” you might ask. Well, they fare even worse. Targeting is done using the left analog stick, which works just fine against single enemies, but when you’re faced with a cluster of targets, you’re fucked as the game’s targeting system goes berserk and there’s no alternate way to change your target. Oh, and don’t bother telling me to kite them. For those of you who don’t know, kiting is the tactic where you keep running away from an enemy and using ranged attacks to cut them down without fear of retaliation. Unfortunately, Baldur is one slow son of a bitch, so just about everything can hunt you down and kick your ass if you try to run. It’s like watching one of those bear mauling videos (or am I the only one who does that?), ‘cept you’re the one getting mauled. Anyway, the only things slower than you are the trolls and your own allies, and as much as you might want to, you can’t shoot your unwanted help.

Speaking of your allies, these guys are worthless. They can’t even distract the enemy long enough for you to catch a breather. When they are around, they each get the attention of 2-3 enemies tops. This may seem like a lot, but considering that you go up against waves of 20-30 baddies at once, you’ll be doing almost all of the work. To top it off, they have difficulty following you from platform to platform, so you’re usually on your own anyway.

While Too Human definitely won’t be getting any real praise out of me, it isn’t an unredeemable pile of doggie doo doo either. While usually plodding and horrendously dull, there are times when you get into a groove and really start kicking ass. It isn’t Nirvana or anything, but it’s a good sort of mind-numbingness. That aside, Too Human is average in almost every respect. The novelty of its control scheme and setting might appeal to you, but little else will.

Rating: 2/5

Youtube and I: Go For the Gold at the Beijing Olympics!

Warning: Contains spoilers for a certain show and a certain book.

AWESOME leeroy jenkins remix!!

Infernal Images: Ball o' Cats

Youtube and I: Arby 'n' the Chief

Episode 1:

Infernal Images: XXX-Ray

Hot damn, I want one of these.


PS: I just realized I've been spelling "weird" wrong this entire time. Yeah . . . I'll get on that.

Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zur Macht Review

Platform: PS2

I'm aware that this picture's from Xenosaga 3, but what makes you think this series will survive past the first review?

Normally, I would do some research to make sure my facts match up before I do a review. However, that wouldn’t do the sheer absurdity of Xenosaga’s plot any justice. Thus, everything I say is going to be from memory. Sound like fun? No? Too bad, let’s go.

Right off the bat, you’re “treated” to a cutscene of an archeologist finding a huuuuuuuuge stone tablet. “Treated” is in quotes because the movie clocks in at ten minutes, or at least it felt that long. Anyway, once that’s over, it cuts to the distant future where you’re introduced to the heroine of this story, Shion. She’s a sexy scientist, glasses girl, usually clueless, blah, blah, blah. Nothing special aside from the fact that her weapon is a gigantic taser claw. Oh, did I mention that she made a killer android called KOS-MOS that wields weapons completely practical for futuristic combat such as swords and scythes in addition to gatling guns and a gigantic chest laser. Nope, nothing unusual at all. Otherwise, the cast isn’t anything special aside from some kid who thinks he’s Vash the Stampede, who appears later. Regardless, on the same ship Shion’s on is an “emulator” of the big-ass stone tablet from the opening movie. Unfortunately, the emulator attracts space whale salt monsters called Gnosis, who are impervious to just about everything . . . everything except KOS-MOS, of course. Before you can get to killing, however, you have to navigate Shion around the various parts of the ship while avoiding the Gnosis, who are brutally disemboweling your cute, anime-faced fellow soldiers.

Soon enough, you rally a posse including KOS-MOS and a psychotic officer who’s a robo-racist or something in his spare time. You don’t have to deal with him long, though. Just as you reach the escape pods, he picks a fight with a Gnosis and does this by jumping around like a moron while going full-auto with his assault rifle. Unfortunately for him, his tomfoolery interferes with KOS-MOS’ aim and prompts her to shoot through him to hit the Gnosis. Thus, for his newbish behavior, he gets perma-banned from the server of life. This is only the first in a long line of lessons as to why you shouldn’t fuck with androids. I’ll stop relating the plot here because, frankly, I don’t know what the hell happened after that. Words went into my ears, but none of it made sense. Entire cutscenes were dedicated to people talking about stuff like the “Hilbert Effect”, the “Song of Nephilim”, the “Zohar”, and so on and so forth. At this point, I really didn’t give a flying fuck. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease just let me kill something!

While my wish was granted, combat was a whole ‘nother beast. Sure, it seems like simple turn-based fighting at first, but once you try to attack, you have shit like button combos, combo strings, robots, ether, and items. Hold on, items? Yes, even using items is an arduous ordeal. Xenosaga is the very image of the bureaucratic process. Pressing a button as simple and self-explanatory as “attack” unleashes a torrent of sub-menus, each of which unleashes another deluge of options. Jesus Christ, all I want to do is shank some space whales. Is that too much to ask for? Oh, and don’t even ask about the pause menu, I had an easier time learning multi-variable calculus than I had trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do in it.

Xenosaga can be compared to the Hydra of ancient Greek mythology. Once you cut off the head of unbearable cutscenes, two more appear: convoluted menus and slow-ass combat. If you somehow manage to ignore those, you notice the next layer of problems and things keep escalating until you finally throw your controller through a window, rip the disk out of the PS2, and devour it in hopes that the pain of disk shards mutilating your throat will serve as penance for your crimes against all that is holy. Speaking of which, did I mention that KOS-MOS is the vessel for the spirit of Mary Magdalene? That’s right, I just spoiled the shit out of the remaining games. “But wait, One Sin, aren’t you going to review those eventually?”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

Besides, that doesn’t even make any sense (I’m being perfectly serious, though). It’s like you need a wiki to figure all this out. Which reminds me, did you know that Xenosaga has its own wiki? “Big deal,” I bet you’re thinking. Sure, everything from Code Geass to Devil May Cry to Rosie O’Donnell has its own wiki, but Xenosaga actually needs one. Maybe you could read it to find out why Mary Magdalene is pumping space whales full of lead and has a black hole in her chest . . .

If you have a lot of spare time . . .

And have no life . . .

Or you actually like this shit . . .

Loser.

Rating: 1/5

Youtube and I: Bump of Chicken

The name's really stupid, but damn, this shit is sad.

Infernal Images: The Elevator Dance

Go, V.V., go!

Youtube and I: The "Don't Tase Me, Bro!" Song

Infernal Images: Zero?!

Damn you, otaku scum! I'll never forgive- Wait, what?! This is official?

Youtube and I: DJ Anonymous

He's got more here, but I picked some of the better ones to show you here.

JAY-Z VS eufonius:


Ciara VS Mikuru:


Pharrell VS Round Table:

Infernal Images: Chili Where it Doesn't Belong

Youtube and I: Obama vs McCain . . . Soul Calibur IV Style

Shenmue II Review

Platform: Xbox, Dreamcast (Review based on Xbox version. The DC one isn’t available here, anyway.)

It’s rare for a game to create a new genre. In fact, such is the cause for great celebration and the precursor to a millennium of peace and prosperity. Does Shenmue II do this? Hell no, but it certainly thinks it does. Director Yu Suzuki called the original Shenmue a “FREE" (Full Reactive Eyes Entertainment) game, whatever that means. In actuality, it’s just an adventure game with a fancy title. Well, let’s get this shitfest on the road.

You play as Ryo Hazuki, who is some punk kid out for revenge on the guy who whacked his dad. Alright, that’s sorta cliché, but I can live with it. Apparently, you’ve followed the killer’s trail to Hong Kong and the game starts with you getting off a boat and looking around the harbor. Okay, it’s time to get moving. I pressed the analog stick forward, and much to my surprise, instead of moving Ryo forward, this slammed the camera face first into the ground. Fine, then, directional pad it is. Oh, wait. The game still controls like ass. Crawling forward inch by inch, I triggered the game’s first cutscene. At first, it looked alright. It was about some old dude playing a mandolin. The problem came when said old dude opened his mouth. The “English” that came forth wasn’t quite engrish, but was so uninspired and awkward that I thought I had the language setting on “retard”.

“Alright, fuck this,” I said before pressing “start”. I was hoping for the main menu, but what I got instead was the control scheme. Umm . . . thanks? I kinda thought that’s what the manual was for. Regardless, once I got to the settings menu, I found that the outlook was still bleak. Under “language”, I was faced with a wide variety of options ranging from “game mode” to “cinema mode” to “Shenmue mode” to “ragtime theater mode” to “Initial D fucking remix mode”. Those names aren’t very descriptive, are they (well, except for the last two)? The description box next to each one didn’t help either. For instance, next to the “Shenmue mode” option is a blurb of text that says “Play the game in Shenmue mode”. No way. No fucking way. And here I thought that’d change the language to Mandarin Chinese. The worst part is that there’s no god damn difference between any of them! All I found was that the Shenmue mode just removes the subtitles while keeping the broken English. “Big deal,” I bet you’re thinking, “It’s just one voice actor. Not every game can be Oblivion.” Unfortunately, every voice is equally shitty! They certainly have variety down, but that’s like having sixty types of steaming shit to pick from as the sauce for your rice. No thanks, I’ll just play with the TV muted.

Maybe the alternate control schemes offer a silver lining? No dice. The only other option makes the default movement running, but I quickly found that the slightest touch sent me flying into a corner or into a pedestrian, at which point I ricocheted off them. Mournfully switching back to the normal controls, I prepared my hands for an agonizing ordeal.

Back to the game itself, it essentially amounts to a glorified version of hide and seek. You’re always looking for someone and when you find them, they tell you to find someone else . . . for 10+ hours. It isn’t as bad as I just made it sound, but wandering around the winding streets talking to NPC’s in hopes that one actually knows where you need to go gets old quickly. Every now and then, the game decides to spice things up by making you work a dayjob airing out books or lifting boxes. If you’re the daring type, you can also arm wrestle with sweaty Mexican dock workers. No, seriously. When things get serious, though, Shenmue II has two more tricks up its sleeve. The first of these is the QTE, or quick-time event. These are sequences in which random button inputs flash on the screen and you have to react without a single mistake. Hell, there were times when I got penalized even when I did press the right commands. The worst part is that while you can sometimes repeat the QTE immediately, there are times when you get sent waaaaaaaay back to repeat some stupid cutscene (which are unskippable, by the way) or perhaps even forced to continue the day after failing, wasting precious time.

Other times, you get fighting game sequences where you beat the crap out of random thugs. Before I go on, it’s important to note that the team that made Shenmue II, Sega-AM2, is the same group that made Virtua Fighter. Riddle me this, then: why does the combat in Shenmue suck huge, sweaty ox balls? Almost every fight involves getting ganked by 3 or more gangsters unless you spam the a and b buttons like a madman. The directional pad is unresponsive and makes precise inputs impossible, Ryo often ends up facing the wrong way after a combo, and enemies regain health when they hit you. To top it off, near the endgame, you have to hunt down and fight three pros. Unfortunately, it’s impossible! Hell, this is one of the few times where I actually quit a game in frustration. First of all, you have to pay a thousand bucks to fight the first one in a game where you’re lucky to have more than 100. Secondly, he fucking thrashes you no matter what you do. When you actually circle around his attacks, either Ryo’s facing the wrong way or the d-pad fails to register your move at which point he turns right back around and whoops your sorry ass. The part that pissed me off the most was his victory pose. He takes a bodybuilder’s stance and the camera zooms into his face, which makes him look like he’s got some mad constipation. I can only see that god damn face so many times before I start hurling the controller. In fact, I’d say this is the first game in which the controller ever left my hand for any reason other than turning off the system.

Despite all this, Shenmue II has a tiny sparkle of charm with its massive environments and plentiful mini games. Unfortunately, there are no true side quests, leaving the game extremely linear despite its vast territory. As a result, you’ll often find yourself lost with nary an optional path. Even then, I would have been a bit more forgiving if it weren’t for the absolutely abominable voice acting and controls. Hell, I would have at least finished the damn game if they had just made the control stick the default means of movement. Sega had a diamond with this game, but instead of polishing it, they shat on it before throwing it into the sewer. What a fucking waste.

Overall: 2/5

PS: Sorry for the formatting inconsistencies. Blogger just seems to hate me.

Youtube and I: Lucky Star OP at 1/2 Speed

It has a demonic feel to it.

Infernal Images: Skooma . . . BUT I NEED IT!

Youtube and I: Reverse Rickroll

Fuck you, Paltir! I still think it's funny.

Burnout 3: Takedown Review

Platform: PS2, Xbox, and Xbox 360 (Review based on PS2 version)

There are racing games like Gran Turismo and there are demolition derbies like Twisted Metal. What happens when you combine those two? You get Burnout. This game is all about speed and what you use that speed to annihilate. Hell, it’s even more about speed than Need for Speed, which is actually somewhat slow. Regardless, perhaps I should get onto the plot. Oh, wait. There is no plot. This is a fucking racing game. Here’s your plot: vroom vroom, start your bloody engine. It may seem like I’m ragging on Burnout for this, but I’m not. There are fewer things I hate more in games than an inappropriately-placed story. I’ve never cared for all the “racing for street cred” or “racing to pay off your mafia debt” plotlines that seem to be all the rage lately, and I doubt I ever will. Luckily, you don’t have to deal with any of that in this game.

Burnout 3’s gameplay comes down to two important modes: racing and crashing. The racing mode, for the most part, also involves crashing. I know what you’re thinking. “Wow, that’s a lot of smashing. I guess racing must not be that important”. In most cases, you’d be right. A lot of the stage goals revolve around demolishing a certain number of opponents or avoiding being smashed, but one particular mode actually requires you to pass the finish line first. This is where Burnout’s worst flaws appear. I find it quite ironic that a racing game’s worst characteristic is its racing. The tracks appear to be designed for maximizing the carnage that occurs during races, but they aren’t exactly conducive to the racing itself.

Before I go on, I should mention that Burnout places a lot of emphasis on boosting. You have a boost gauge that charges whenever you drive towards oncoming traffic, drift, or do anything else that would normally get you hunted-down, dragged out of your car, and tased by the cops. Unfortunately, whenever you boost, the edges of your screen become rather blurry and fuck up your line of sight. In the crash modes, this isn’t much of a problem. However, when your goal is to cross the god damn finish line, you’re in for a world of hurt. “Alright, so just win the old fashioned way, right?” Wrong. You may start spazzing out when the action gets hard to see, but the computer won’t. Either you’ll get left behind to enjoy the scenery, the rubber band AI will finish you off, or a tiny pixel of your car will clip a passing bus and send you flying for an eternity in slow motion while your opponents fly by.

Alright, so fuck the racing, how about the crash mode? Now this is where the fun is. The basic idea here is to get your car to top speed before flying into the middle of a crowded intersection and creating pandemonium. Things get even better once your car explodes. If this concept stopped here and remained a test of chaining as many crashes together as possible, it would have been perfect. However, they throw in all sorts of multipliers that could easily make up for neglecting the carnage at hand. In fact, some stages can’t be cleared without the help of these bonuses. This defeats the purpose of the damn mode! The goal should be annihilation, not collecting trinkets. This is all still fun, mind you, but what the hell?

Burnout 3 is certainly worth a shot, but it lacks a strong foundation. A racing game that’s inept at racing can only accomplish so much. It definitely has style considering its dynamic soundtrack and slow-mo crashes, but the numerous holes found in its substance detract heavily from the experience.

Rating: 3/5

Malachi: Dark Knight Review

I have seen a lot of movies this year. Dark Knight is the best one yet. It is as dark as Batman should be, it tells a great, full story. Returning actors Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, and Morgan Freeman bring a comfortable feel for those who have seen the first movie. While new members to the cast Heath Ledger and Aaron Eckhart bring something to the movie that completes it and makes it whole. Sadly Katie Holmes did not sign on for a second movie (probably because she is to busy worshiping Xenu)and was replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal, who did not do as good of a job as I would have hoped.

The story is good, it tells a batman story the way the mid-late batman comics were. Dark, sad, and much more political. The movie is in no way an action movie. Yes there is some action but that is not the focus, the story and character development is the main focus. It takes place around the time when Batman is deciding what kind of hero he wants to be.

Now let me get to the point. Heath Ledger. He is amazing. The best joker there has been, or ever will be. It is literally worth seeing this movie just to watch such an amazing performance. He captures the heart and insanity of the joker perfectly, kicks Jack Nicholson's ass, and makes you even sympathize with the villain, even though he has nothing to sympathize about.

I have not written a review in a while so this one is not very good. But i would like to suggest that you all see this movie. If not for your love of Batman, bit at least to see some of the greatest acting done in a long time. 6/5 for Heath Ledger. 4/5 for Dark Knight.

Also check out my podcast.


MALACHI OUT!

MTRL: Real life

A bit of 'learn from real life situations here', this time for the ladies.

So I've called/text this girl I've been seeing about 3 times today. She was supposed to be out at seven, and she ain't got back to me. I know talking too much can be annoying, but I ask things like how was work and call me so we can talk. I'm not being paranoid here, asking where she is every ten minutes. She's out with her friends on a 'girls night' so I'm told, and I haven't sent her a message in a while.

Lesson to be learned from all this. Please get back to us. We don't want to turn into the crazy control freak, but we do when you disappear, especially when we have important things to talk about. Give us a hi now and again, we appreciate it.

Paltir: Fuck you 1800flowers!

Ok, I know it's a bit different from my normal postings, but I have a bone to pick, and wish to share with you all the fucking hell I'm about to go through, all for under 100 bucks.

So back in may, I was thinking of mothers day, like most of us. I wanted to order flowers, since I couldn't make it home for the day, cause I was too far away, and had work. Seen commercials for 1800Flowers, seemed like a decent site. Now flowers were a bit expensive, but with mothers day and shit, I figured it's ok, flowers are always overpriced. Specific arrangement and such ain't important, came to about 60 bucks with shipping. Due to a misunderstanding with someone putting my name on a gift, I got a thank you, and didn't realize the flowers never came, so now I'm working on that. That's not all.

Just this morning I check my account, like I do almost daily, and notice It's over drawn. Odd, cause I ain't bought anything for at least 4 days. I check, and there's a 11.99 charge from TRG*Livwel, and I only had ten bucks. That's weird, since I've never heard of them, or seen anything like that before. I check, and noticed I received a charge from them last month. Mind you this was during the time when I was moving, so I had way to many purchases to notice some 12 dollar charge. Do some digging, and come to find out, I'm in the same position as a lot of people! Apparently 1800Flowers likes to sign people up with this Live well company that offerers discounts and rewards to their members, without letting people know! I check for an email, of course I got one, the only issue is that it looks like every other spam email I get so I must have disregarded it. I ring them up, get put on hold for a while, and I decide to fuck that! I'm not waiting on hold with some shitty company that stole my money! I get pissed, and fire off some emails asking for my god damn money back, and to cancel my membership.

Now I call up my bank and explain this shit to them. For 20 minutes we work on this. End up canceling my debit card, and now I don't have one for the next... 5-7 days, and won't have a pin for a few more after that. Now I have to fill out a fraud package, get it fucking notarized, and then fax it back to them. Means I gotta find a printer, find a notary, and finally find a way to fax it back. So then I have to call the police, since the bank requires me to report it. Call up, and they take my info, and now I'm waiting for some rookie (I would make the rookie do this crap), to call me back so I can spend another twenty minutes working on a police/fraud report.

I will update in a few days when I get it all worked out. Needless to say, fuck this shit. I'm so reporting 1800Flowers to the Department of commerce of whatever for being giant douche bags and doing this shit. I'd like to hear your stories of this kinda crap in the comments. Fuck shady internet businesses like that!

Youtube and I: What the hell, UBS?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You and Us = UBS? That's the laziest acronym I've ever seen. Hell, these guys aren't even trying to fool you by taking multiple letters from the same word.

MTRL: Advice

Ok, short and possibly well known advice. Second law of sexual dynamics, as told by Jeff Jacques through Martin Reed, "If you think a girl likes you, you are wrong."

Taking this into account you have two options. To always play it safe and wait in blueball hell, waiting for a girl to give you a very clear clue. Or, which is the option I'm advising you to take, you be a man. Never trust what you see and ignore all signals. Always try and get her number, regardless if she is in a coffee shop, a bar, or even the grocery store. Till you get a 'no', you haven't lost mate. Also, the rejection get's easier, and I guarantee you will get more numbers than you'd think this way.

MTRL: Stories

So how goes it sportsfans? Doin pretty good with this thing don't ya think? Not that anyone reads it..... Anyway, that's not the point.

So I cannot begin to count how many times plans got canceled with this girl for whatever reasons. It's like, annoying as hell. I'm really starting to question this whole 'relationship' and if it's worth it. Now, I understand, and have even told my roommate there's such a thing as spending too much time together. But I've seen her for about ohhhhh, half hour in over a week. That counts as waaaaaaaaaaaayyyy, to little time. Now the reason I'm questioning this is because of the advice I'm going to give you.

You must be sure you can spend time together in a relationship. Sure it'll happen when you can't, but you need to see each other every few days at the least or it won't work. I've seen long distance bullshit too much, and It has never worked well. They may have stayed together, but it was full of arguments and paranoia. A happy relationships REQUIRES you to see and be with the person, otherwise what is the point, you might as well be friends right?

Review Index

-Expect frequent updates.
-If you would like to dispute an existing review or request a review on any game, feel free to do so here.

Articles like "the", "an", and "and" are ignored for the purposes of alphabetizing.

Reviewed:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Burnout 3: Takedown (3)
Crackdown (3)
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness (4)
La Pucelle: Tactics (2)
Phantom Brave (1)
Shenmue II (2)
Super Robot Wars: Original Generation (1)
Too Human (2)
Xenosaga Episode 1: Der Wille zur Macht (1)


Completed and Rated: (Ratings are not final. Games with a "5?" are definite 4's that are candidates for a perfect score. And yes, Superman 64's rating isn't a typo. More on that later.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advance Wars (4)
Age of Empires 3 (1)
Animal Crossing (3)
Ape Escape: On the Loose (1)
Ape Escape: Pumped and Primed (1)
AquaAqua (2)
Arcana Heart (1)
Armored Core 2: Another Age (1)
Armored Core 3 (1)
Armored Core: Last Raven (1)
Assassin's Creed (3)
Beautiful Katamari (1)
Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg (3)
Bomberman Generation (2)
Bouncer, The (1)
Call of Duty 2 (3)
Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow (4)
Chaos Legion (1)
Crazy Taxi (1)
Custom Robo (2)
Dark Cloud (3)
Dark Cloud 2 (3)
Destroy All Humans! (2)
Digimon Digital Card Battle (1) <--- Don't ask.
Digimon Rumble Arena (1)
Digimon World 3 (1)
Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories (3)
.hack// Infection (1)
.hack// Mutation (1)
.hack// Outbreak (1)
.hack// Quarantine (1)
Dynasty Tactics 2 (1)
Dynasty Warriors (PSP) (1)
Dynasty Warriors 3 (2)
Dynasty Warriors 3: Xtreme Legends (1)
Dynasty Warriors 4 (1)
Dynasty Warriors 4: Empires (1)
Dynasty Warriors: Gundam (1)
Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (3)
Evolution Worlds (1)
EyeToy: AntiGrav (1) <--- Once again, don't ask.
Fable (3)
Final Fantasy X (2)
Final Fantasy X-2 (2)
Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles (2)
Fire Emblem (4)
Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance (2)
Gauntlet Dark Legacy (1)
Genji: Days of the Blade (1)
Grandia II (2)
Guilty Gear Isuka (1)
Halo: Combat Evolved (3)
Hot Shots Golf: Open Tee (2)
Inuyasha: The Secret of the Cursed Mask (1)
Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy (4)
Jak 2 (3)
Jak 3 (3)
Kameo: Elements of Power (1)
Katamari Damacy (3)
Kingdom Hearts (3)
Kingdom Hearts II (3)
Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures,The (3)
Legend of Zelds: Ocarina of Time, The (5?)
Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, The (3)
Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, The (3)
Lost Kingdoms (2)
Makai Kingdom (2)
Mall Tycoon (1)
Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour (3)
Mario Party 4 (2)
Mass Effect (5?)
Medal of Honor: Rising Sun (1)
Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction (2)
Mobile Suit Gundam: Federation vs. Zeon (1)
Mobile Suit Gundam: Journey to Jaburo (1)
Mobile Suit Gundam: Zeonic Front (1)
Monsters, INC. (1) <--- Long story.
N3: Ninety-Nine Nights (1)
Need for Speed: Underground Rivals (1)
One Piece: Grand Battle (1)
Peter Jackson's King Kong (2)
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (3)
Pikmin (4)
Ratchet and Clank (4)
Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction (3)
Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando (5?)
Ratchet and Clank: Size Matters (2)
Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal (3)
Ratchet: Deadlocked (2)
Rise of Nations: Rise of Legends (2)
Robotech: Invasion (1)
Romancing SaGa (1)
RPG Maker II (1) <--- I can dream, can't I?
Samurai Legend Musashi (1)
Samurai Warriors (2)
Shaman King: Power of Spirit (1) <--- That's not a typo. Apparently, there's only one spirit in the universe.
Shining Tears (1)
Silent Line: Armored Core (2)
Sims, The (PS2) (1) <--- What was I thinking?
Sonic Adventure 2: Battle (2)
Sonic Heroes (1)
Soul Calibur 3 (2)
Soul Nomad & The World Eaters (3)
Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom (3) <--- Seriously.
Starcraft (3)
Starcraft: Brood War (3)
Star Fox: Assault (1)
Star Ocean: Till the End of Time (4)
Star Wars: Battlefront (3)
Star Wars: Battlefront 2 (1)
Star Wars: Bounty Hunter (2)
Star Wars: Empire at War (2)
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (3)
Star Wars: Super Bombad Racing (1) <-- It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stella Deus: The Gate of Eternity (1)
Summoner (1)
Summoner 2 (1)
Super Bust-A-Move 2 (1)
Superman 64 (0?)
Super Mario Sunshine (3)
Super Smash Bros. Melee (5?)
Tales of Legendia (1)
Tales of Symphonia (5?)
Tarzan (1)
Tekken Tag Tournament (1)
Tsugunai: Atonement (1)
Universal Studios Theme Park Adventure (1) <--- Ask, and i'll kill myself.
Untold Legends: Brotherhood of the Blade (1)
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War: Dark Crusade (3)
Warriors Orochi (1)
We Love Katamari (3)
World Destruction League: Thunder Tanks (1)
Ys: The Ark of Napishtim (1)
Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Duelists of the Roses (1) <--- Once upon a time, I was a total idiot . . .
Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Falsebound Kingdom (2)
Yu-Gi-Oh!: Forbidden Memories (1) <--- The only thing that should be forbidden is this game.
Zoids: Battle Legends (2)



Incomplete:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean
Beyond Good & Evil
Bomberman Jetters
Boom Blox
Dynasty Warriors 6
Elder Scrolls IV: Shimmering Isles
Fable: The Lost Chapters
Final Fantasy XII
Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift
Grandia 3
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Master Quest, The
Medal of Honor: Airborne
Metal Gear Solid
Metal Gear Solid 2
Metal Gear Solid 3
Ninja Gaiden Sigma
Pokemon Colosseum
Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Secret Agent Clank
Super Mario Strikers
Viking: Battle for Asgard

Youtube and I: Some Stop-Motion Videos

This guy does a lot of stuff with Gundam models and various action figures. It's really neat.

MTRL: Pandemic 2

Pandemic 2 is an awesome game, and fucking addictive. Go Google it and play it, like right after you finish reading my post. Now a word of advice though. Do not, unless she is a sadistic twisted bitch, play it in front of her, or brag to her how fast you killed the worlds population. That is if you want to keep your female, or ya know, have sex anytime in the near future.

OS Edit: Paltir means this Pandemic 2. If you Google it, the first item that comes up is the shitty, watered-down version.

MTRL: Advice

OS dear, you are killing me. I type something new and original every day and you can't even put up a photo everyday. I'm even restricting myself to dating.

On to me. New format... kinda. I'm thinking since it'll get old by Volume 4, and Volume 56 will just look stupid, I'll split them up. Titles are self explanatory though, so figgure it out!

I once 'dated' (good story for another time) this girl for a few months. She played video games more than I did/do. She's a programmer now, not the point. She decided to pull out DDR for a bit and play one time. Now I have zero coordination in that respect, and so I failed miserably. I was thinking about all those DDR people. Some advice for you guys out there. NEVER BE ABLE TO BEAT THE GIRL WHO OWNS DDR, if you don't also own it. If you spent enough money at the machine to fucking beat Max 300xxxx or whatever the fuck, you have failed at life. You could have taken that money and time and done things like take girls out to eat, gotten girls drunk, and have had lots and lots of sex with them. Let me tell you, sex is a better workout than DDR is or ever will be. Also, you are not gay. I've heard the argument about dancing, and it makes you better, more coordinated or whatnot. Wanna get more coordinated and get in good shape? Go find some reciever football drills online and do them. As for dancing, yeah, about that. If you are not black, you will not look good dancing regardless, and you don't need to hardly move if you had taken my advice and gotten the chick drunk!

TL:DR for ya. Don't spend your money and time on stupid shit like DDR. Things like that transmit 'teh gay'.

Infernal Images: . . . Wait, what?!

My Terrible Romantic Life Volume 2

So for the second post on my little series it's time to introduce the advice portion. Since I'll try and post daily, most of these will be short, paragraph at most, style hints. Today's advice, alcohol.

Alcohol is a man's best friend, fuck dogs. Sure they are cute and loyal, but they don't make me funnier, more handsome, and god damn more confident. It ain't named liquid courage for nothing! When you have a lady in your sights, and you think she's above your league, or your just shy, take another shot. Still not enough? Take another. Rinse and repeat to taste. What's the worst that could happen? You eventually work up the nerve and talk to her, or you wake up in some Mexican hellhole. The girls down there sure ain't outta your league, and you leave with a souvenir! Hell gonorrhea ain't that bad, got drugs that'll clear it right up!

Happy Hunting!
Paltir!



UPDATE: 7/22/08 Link to the PA comic which was partial inspiration for this. One of my most favorite ever, but why do their archives have to suck balls? http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2002/8/19/

Phantom Brave Review

Platform: PS2

Once upon a time, the creators of Disgaea decided to fuck their proven grid-based formula in favor of something completely different for their next game. While Nippon Ichi gets points for trying something new, Phantom Brave is a bloody mess. Before I get too far ahead of myself, some background is necessary.

Phantom Brave takes place in the world of Ivoire across a large series of islands and is about a little, green-haired girl named Marona. Don’t expect Yotsubato, though; this is anything but a feel-good, slice-of-life story. With this game, it’s all about death, tragedy, and people being assholes to you. When she was a wee lass, Marona’s parents were something along the lines of ghostbusters and had a bodyguard named Ash. Unfortunately for them, Ash was a shit guard and they all died. In a desperate bid to not go out like a punk, the dad tried to revive Ash but failed, turning Ash into a phantom. Cut to a few years later where Marona essentially works as a mercenary to pay the rent on her island. Having the ability to communicate with and confine ghosts to inanimate objects makes her decent at this, but people aren’t exactly charmed by how she’s basically a necromancer. Thus, the first half of the game has you doing odd jobs for really nice people . . . well, they’re nice until they find out that you’re a freak at which point they don’t give you your due reward and kick your off their property. Watching this is painful and is an interesting attempt to make you genuinely sympathetic toward Marona, but only served to infuriate me. I hate nice guys, and her infinite tolerance for abuse made me foam at the mouth on more than one occasion.

You might think I’m exaggerating when I say everyone in this game is an absolute douche to you. (Un?)fortunately for you, I’m not exaggerating in the least. Clients will refuse to pay you, people will throw rocks at you and chase you out of town . . . hell, one guy even bothers to follow you around and steal credit for jobs you do. I actually thought this could have been pretty interesting, seeing the cruel and merciless world turn this little girl into a heartless killer. Unfortunately, the exact opposite thing happens: through the power of being able to take it like a champ and appealing to everyone’s inner pedophile, Marona eventually turns the populace of Ivoire into kind, civil beings. Aww, how sickeningly trite. A strong plot could have salvaged this game’s score, but Phantom Brave just decides to throw that all away.

Could strong enough gameplay mechanics save this sinking ship of a title from my fury? It certainly could, but it doesn’t. Where Phantom Brave stumbles with its characters and plot, it bites the dust when you actually try playing it. First of all, you yourself can’t fight for shit. Unless you’re particularly fond of bitch-slapping enemies for zero damage, don’t even bother trying. Instead, what you have to do is confine your phantoms to the local landscape at which point they absorb the item’s characteristics and are ready to rumble. Apparently, I’m the only one who thinks that possessing the enemies and having them jump off a cliff would be a good idea. Regardless, I can work with this. What I can’t work with is the strict time limit placed on your summoned characters. After a certain amount of turns, your characters disappear and stay that way for the rest of the battle. This doesn’t come off as an attempt to add depth to the game by forcing you to manage your troops and turns well so much as it appears to be fucking annoying. Alright then, let’s say you haven’t had enough punishment and have created an army of high-level troops to last through the time limits. Realizing your defiance, the game then proceeds to kick your ass. Remember the throwing feature from Disgaea? Well, it’s back, except now your enemies can use it too, and boy do they use it. There are no stage boundaries in Phantom Brave, which means that characters can be thrown off-screen and killed. If this happens to your enemies, the surviving enemies (up to the last one, which can’t be thrown away) gain the monster’s levels. If this happens to one of your guys, you get jack shit. When the enemies aren’t screwing you, though, you have other problems to deal with. For one, the physics in Phantom Brave is completely irrational. Sure, everything is dandy when you’re walking, but God help you if you so much as dare to pick something up. Either gravity’s out of style or steroids are all the rage because when you throw someone, you don’t just throw them. No, you fucking catapult them across the screen and usually out of bounds. See that little indicator that tells you where the object will land? Don’t bother with it. It might tell you where the point of impact is, but you’ll just keep going, and going, and going, and going . . . Alright then, since flying is out of the question, how about walking? No dice. Get too close to a corner and your character will begin to clip and act like it’s having an epileptic fit until either the game decides it’s had enough and ends your turn automatically or you drop off the stage and out of bounds. Lovely, just lovely.

Phantom Brave isn’t a game so much as it is an experience in undeserved frustration. Lacking both an incentive for the player (the plot) and the means to accomplish it with (the gameplay), it’s almost entirely worthless. I say almost because the post-game extras are actually somewhat nice with characters like Laharl, Etna, Flonne, Mid-Boss, Baal, and Pringer X making appearances. Aside from that, though, you have an unpolished, buggy-ass game that seems insistent on torturing you. Don’t bother with this one, folks.

Rating: 1/5

MTRL: My terrible Romantic Life Volume 1

As I'm attempting to contribute to this blog once again, for I have freee time, and sometimes things to write about. As recent events have made me rather bitter and pissed off, at least for the moment, a new segment is born, my Romantic life. I'm seriously pretty bad at this shit apparently, so out come stories, anecdotes, and advice from my time as a dating male in the 21st century. Today will be a long one, as it has a few parts.

So, There is this girl whom I am currently, interested in shall we say. Let us call her T. She currently has a roommate, and best friend since she was in 6th grade, grew up together, so they are like sisters close. We call her L. T and L are both 20 cause I'm sure someone will ask, they always do. These two and me are the players in this tale. On to the beginning.

I meet T, and we decide to hang out some time, because we like each other. I meet T for some coffee, and we decide to go back to her place to go watch a movie. Her roommate is there as well. We order Chinese and end up watching "I am legend". I am my normal MST3K funny ass self during the movie, as a tend to be. After I go home, I find out that L likes me, and thinks I'm funny/cool. Whatever, the point is, she approves of me, which is important. Guys, ALWAYS make sure the best friend likes you, or it won't end well. Flash forward to round 2. We end up watching shitty TV with L once again. Much shorter this time, as she has work in the morning. Here's when things begin to go badly. On round 3.

They pick me up, and we go to the liquor store. I get a box, I swear the kid put it in a box, of booze, to get heavily smashed on. We drink and watch 'Starship Troopers'. Stay up till 3am talking, cause L just won't go to bed, for whatever reason, and leave us alone. Now take into account that up to this point, we haven't been alone except for car trips and such at all. I've tried to get her to come over to my place, but L is a bit of a loser and has nowhere to go, and T feels bad, so we always end up at her place. L finally goes to bed, and T wants to as well, so I ask if I should crash on the couch. T says no. JACK POT! or so I think. Nothing happens but me uh... digitering her to completion. There's really no nice way of saying that is there? She passes out after, and I go to sleep alone of course. Bummer, but she's cool, oh well.

This was a Thursday night, and she was gone all weekend. Round 4 was supposed to be on Sunday after she gets back, but she gets back at 11, so we scratched it. New round 4 on Monday night. Guess what, L has some 'boy issues' that T needs to be a good friend for. That's cool, I understand. Tuesday night rolls around, L's mom went to the hospital, so she needs support, ok, fine, I got it, happens. Got wicked drunk and then find out I'm coming over, cause L's going out with this guy from work. We'll call him R. To be honest, R looks like your typical, skinny 19year old nerd type. He had his hair combed over, slacks and a really dressy shirt on. I almost laughed cause I was drunk. Anyway, An hour after I come over, not even, L comes home crying and needs to go see her mom an hour and a half away. I accept it, happens. Yesterday, Wednesday, T was too tired from work and had early school next day, so no dice.

As I write this It is Thursday the 17th, for reference. Find out a few hours ago, that L is going out with R again. So I'm hopeful to hang out with T. She says she just needs to verify R and L are going out and we can hang cause she don't work or have school Friday morning. Well, she gets home from work and L surprises her with Dark Knight tickets. I'm jealous, but sweet, they've been looking forward to this for months. I'm happy for them, cause ya know, that's awesome to go at midnight, wish I could go. I pretty much have to ask, since I've been told after half a date and 3 days, L and R are a 'couple', if he's going. Apparently he is, and T becomes the third wheel. Now that's rude to do to her best friend for SEVERAL reasons. First of all, being a third wheel, even to a movie premiere sucks. Hell, been there done that multiple times. Secondly, and MOST importantly, this was avoided so easily I could be pissed off and rage, which I kinda am.... Drop R, I mean, it is your best friend vs a dude you barely know. Hell, I would understand if I was R. It's no big. Oh, and here's the even easier way! ASK ME! L knows full well T likes me a good deal. It's not like I'd not pay for the ticket or whatever. And there was plenty of time to inform me and get me. How was this not insanely rude? So here I am. Out of booze, pissed, and not tired at all. If anyone has any suggestions for me, my current being I'm totally talking to T about this bullshit, please feel free to leave them in the comments, or just email me at paltir@gmail.com.

Happy Hunting!

Youtube and I: Halo 3 Betrayal - If Pigs Could Fly

Paltir: Lack of... 'realism' in anime

First off, I apologize for the abomination I wrote last night. To be honest I don't even remember doing it. I was blacked out. I can type like a mofo huh? On to the topic at hand.

So I was mulling a few things a minute ago and realized a major issue with the current anime industry at home an abroad (US/Japan). What's wrong with plausible anime? Why does 'slice of life' and 'harem' shows have to be so damn out there. I cannot begin to believe that Japanese high schoolers are anything like their 'slice of life' counterparts. I'm not against situations that stretch the realistic lines, but seriously, come on guys. If you can show me a god damn single school that is like anything portrayed in about 99% of anime, you win the game, and I'll pay you 1000bucks, no joke.

Now, I wish to examine 3 different shows, all in my top 10, maybe five even, and show you why they could be the basis for a whole new 'realistic' genre, that could be wildly popular.

Ichigo Mashimaro: This is about as realistic of a slice of life show you can get. Now, alot of you know me, and many of you have seen/heard about this show, and cannot begin to understand why I enjoy this show. Quite a few reasons actually. Firstly, the characters are well done. Each is distinct in personality and well written, but without being 2d cookie cutter characters. Miu is my favorite, following quickly by Nobue, as expected. Secondly, for a show about the days/afternoons of 4 5/6th graders, it's surprisingly entertaining. Nothing outlandish happens in any of the episodes. Sure Miu is overzelous and has serious hyperactivity issues, but who hasn't known someone her age like that. I sure as hell did. The basis of this show is firmly grounded in reality. Sure it's not the cup of tea for most people, and may seem boring, but it founds the groundwork for what i'm thinking. From this we get a real, firm 'slice of life' show, that is grounded in reality.

Suzuka: This at first glance seems like your typical slice of life/highschool harem type. And to be sure, it has more than enough in there. This shy, mild mannered, 15 year old boy moves to a city and lives in an apartment owned by his aunt, by himself, to go to school. On the same floor as him are both the love interest and the giant tittied slut/drunk. He is friends with the pimp, and there's a quiet shy girl there somewhere. Now what makes this show entertaining above most harems is the distinct way in which the characters act. They act like real people many times. They shy kid does something outlandish, and even though this will ruin it, rejects the love interest when she confesses to him. OH FUCK! I hear you say. Well he had a lot to be pissed at her about to be honest. The pimp will strike out and do something 'uncool' on occasion. All of the characters are somewhat dynamic. They change and react like real people. They dont' remain the same set of traits all the time. This is the first floor of my house if you will.

Beck, Mongolian chop squad: This is the decoration and roof which makes all this come together. What do we have so far? Realism in situations, realism in characters, what's missing? Realism in setting of course. Beck, minus a small piece explained later, has all of these pieces. The characters are grounded in reality, and aside from some background characters are developed more than 2d cookie cutters. This is a show about a kid picking up guitar and forming a band, trying to get signed, in short. Nothing truly outlandish ever happens, and the characters all react accordingly. The high school that they attend, and the work they do after dropping out, as the case may be, all seems real. There aren't 14 year olds with 44DDDDDDD boobs, and not every guy is either a shy nerd, or a pimp douchebag. Their teachers aren't 12, they are mostly old men who don't tolerate shit. Kids get in trouble when they do things wrong. Nobody gets saved by someone's badass super fighting skills, it's fairly gritty. Oh, did I mention that the parents, who in this case I consider part of the setting, don't tolerate shit. One kid had to run away to continue with the band.

So, let's recap here. We have characters that are realistic and act like real people regardless of the situations, situations that are grounded in realism and could possibly happen, and slice of life that deal with... slice of life things. Now transfer this to a high school, or university, and who wouldn't wanna see this shit? Now I know your thinking it'll compete with things like american teen drama's and J-drama's, but fuck naw. Didn't you listen to the things I've said? The animated part is just a medium, but the key here is people grounded in realism with a semblance of a god damn plot. Anyone with me on this?

Paltir: OMFG!

NO GOOGLE MY EMAIL DOES EXIST DICK HOLE, IT'S MY PASSWORD THAT'S WRONG. Took me a good five minutes to log in cause of that bullshit. I was trying to figure it out. Why I used a different password I'll never know.

What was I gonna say? FUCK I FORGOT FUCK YOU GOOGLE! Oh right, no wait, I forgot again.

God I would kill a bitch for some salty snacks right now. Oh yeah. Fuck women.

So here's the deal. Why do women have some alternate train of thought that nobody can figure out. So your roommate comes home with a member of the opposite sex, hypothetically, and now you knew this was gonna happen for a few days. First of all, you don't make yourself spare? Seriously? No? Why not? Second, don't be a fat, loud obnoxious bitch that stays up till goddam 3 in the morning talking to basically yourself.... and not letting the others alone.

Another thing. How many problems can one person have? Fuck. This bitch has not only not left me and this girl alone for ten minutes at her place, she also decided to ruin date after date. Seriously I'm ready to bag it cause of this bitch. I understand you have issues, but goddamn?! How many issues can one person have? Shit! Seriously it ain't worth the bullshit. I can deal with this girl being tired and passing out all the time soon after starting to hang out, like within a half hour basically, but then theres' the roommate too? Fuck this. I SHOULD have made a pass after this guys sister after she wanted an introduction to my awesome fucking self. But no, I didn't do nothing like a giant bitch. Fuck that. I'm pursuing everything from now on, regardless of my situation. Shit what it gonna hurt. And since all I hear from chicks is how some guy or another dumped them for a hotter girl, why the FUCK shouldn't I?

Women please explain that shit? When you complain about that to a guy, and never offer any like 'and the guy got siphilis' or 'and she dumped him' kinda rebuttal's, what's a guy got to lose? If you get dumped all the time for hotter girls, and apparently you offer no reason to stay, why should we? Srsly!

Point is... go for the sluts, easier to manage and they don't mind if ya dump 'em for a hotter slut, or not as much at least. Dont' work hard for nothing, you will lose out in the end.

Infernal Images: RA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA

Youtube and I: Mega64's Katamari Damacy

Super Robot Wars: Original Generation Review

Platform: Game Boy Advance

Super Robot Wars is a long-standing series in which all the mechs from your favorite anime come together for one massive battle royal. Sounds like fun, right? Well, what would happen if you took out all the well-known mecha and people and replaced them with an original cast? It becomes shit, that’s what. Honestly, when I first saw a video of SRW: OG, it reminded me ever so slightly of Fire Emblem, except with robots. While I always had an inkling of interest for the series, I had never been able to acquire any of the games, international copyright being the bitch that it is. When I first got OG, I ignored the “original” bit and just shoved it into my Game Boy Advance SP. First, I was greeted with that stupid Banpresto logo. Despising pre-game logos, I pressed “a” in hopes of skipping it. No? Alright, then. What about “b”? Start? Select? R? L? It turns out that the damn thing is unskippable. Quite unfortunate, really, considering how I’d be seeing a lot more of it over the next few days.

Jumping right into the game, I was offered a choice between two protagonists: a generic stern-looking hunk of a man and a goofy-looking kid whose face just screams “asshole”. Not being in the mood to play a school comedy/story about an average guy who needs to awaken his inner Amuro Ray and save the world (aka Gundam ZZ), I picked the former. At this point, I would normally explain the plot in graphic detail, but this time, two words will suffice: shit happens. What plot? I don’t see a plot. The game spends an ungodly long time before and after each mission throwing random terms and what barely constitutes character development at you. This game’s dialogue is the text equivalent of Xenosaga’s endless, torturous cutscenes. Thus, I did what any good reviewer would do and pressed “b” really fucking fast in hopes of getting to the next battle before I died of boredom.

The first few battles progressed swimmingly. Every time you attack someone, there’s a percentage of how likely you are to hit them and how likely they are to hit back. Up until my first real boss enemy, that percentage stayed at a healthy 80% vs 30%. Once I tried to fight the bastard, however, it was 0% vs 100%. From that moment on, fighting a boss meant using special abilities that gave me 100% accuracy and 100% dodge over and over and over and over and over . . . I guess that’s sort of like how things are in Super Robot shows, but it doesn’t make for a very fun game. As you play through the game, you gain more and more useless allies and fugly mechs. I know what you’re thinking. “They can’t be that bad, right?” No. They really are. Fortunately, there is one exception to this: the beauty I put up at the start of the review. Regardless, the game consists of running around with your 2-3 strongest guys (the ones you actually bother to put money into) while the rest of your useless team gets raped by enemy grunts, which are horribly overpowered, by the way. Take whatever stats your allies have and add a zero to the end of that and you have your enemies. It should be noted that you usually have a defensive target in the form of your battleship, which has massive amounts of health and weaponry. Unfortunately, your ship can’t hit jack shit. You’ll have a nice 0% accuracy to look at whenever you try.

While I would have liked to wail on this turd a bit longer, I’ve run out of things to say. Yes, that’s all there is to Super Robot Wars: Original Generation. Normally, this would be understandable since the main appeal of the series was getting to see Mazinger Z fire a rocket punch up a Gundam’s exit hole, but you don’t get that here. Instead, you just get a sub-generic plot, a generic cast, generic music, and an overall generic game. This title is a piece of shit and I wouldn’t bother with it. Go get a rom of one of the real SRW games instead, not this emasculated excuse of one.

Rating: 1/5

Infernal Images: I Was Going to Describe This, but I Gave Up